The Great British Freak Off

Charming...

I had a really weird dream the other night. There were sentient, singing, cakes vomiting and being sliced up. Truly Nightmarish.

Alarmingly, it turned out to be real, and manifested itself in the form of a trailer for Channel 4’s take-over of “nice buns” TV show The Great British Bake Off, which will be appearing on our screens again soon, apparently.

Whilst the show itself features only one star from it’s time on the BBC, in the form of judge Paul Hollywood, the presence of some new big names would have seemingly provided the channel with an opportunity to fanfare their exciting line-up with aplomb.

Instead of Prue Leith, Sandi Toksvig and Noel Fielding gracing our screens with an amuse bouche of the forthcoming show’s sweet and savoury delights, we were instead force fed a one minute, stop motion/speeded up/animated baking freak show.

Amongst the doughy plaits, smiling cakes and gigantically-hipped bread people rising in a oven, a parade of weird floury visions honked-up cheese as they were baked, or (for a bit of light relief) puked their own purple fillings out to fill up some heart-topped tarts.

A loaf with a face running through it’s centre looked decidedly unhappy about being sliced up, before the nightmarish arrival of the dystopian finale – a mountain of singing foodstuffs rising up to reveal a miniature GBBO tent at it’s peak. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the whole thing was accompanied by a re-made version of Paul McCartney and the Frog Chorus’s “We All Stand Together”.

For a few long moments after it finished, I realised I was still staring at the screen with my mouth slightly open, wondering what the hell I’d just seen. I may not be able to sleep properly for weeks, and just the sight of an iced bun has me shaking. I’ll need to cross to the other side of the street if I see a Greggs sign.

We can but hope that the new series itself retains the gentler, humourous, style to which it’s devoted fans have become accustomed. Iced fingers crossed, but this being Channel 4 it could just as easily show Mr Hollywood beating up a failed contest by the bins with an over-baked French stick, whilst someone with a Newcastle accent describes the scene. If so, they could change the name of the show to “Baking Bad”.

Channel 4 do like to do things somewhat differently, of course. The appointment of Noel Fielding was certainly a surprise no-one saw coming, and it remains to be seen if his quirky style and off-beat humour will transfer effectively to a tent-based baking content.

It’s make or bake, sorry – break, time for GBBO. Mel and Sue decided not to jump-ship and channel to stay with the show, and TV royalty personified, Mary Berry, similarly declined to put pen to paper, leaving the new owners with a big tent to fill.

The trailer was weird – let’s hope the show isn’t half-baked too.

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in The Mail, on the 11th of August 2017. The version on their website was re-titled as "The Great British Bake Off trailer seems half-baked" and was accompanied with a still from the ad, whilst the print edition became "Channel 4's trailer seems half-baked".

I seem to be bit out of step with public opinion here - everyone else I've spoken to views the trailer as a jolly piece of fun. That's me - living on the dark side as usual...

(CD A-Z: "Queen Rocks". Yes. Yes they bloody well do.)