Theresa May has called a snap general election for June 8th. Please vote for me – I’ll tell you whatever you want to hear (it worked for Donald Trump).
I’m a safe pair of hands, and will cut through the red tape and in-party bickering by running everything myself. I mean, how hard can it be? Sure, I’ll be busy, but there are quite a few jobs in government that seem pretty undefined a best.Lord Privy Seal? No idea. Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster? Aren’t other towns allowed one? And what do they do anyway? Is it something to do with that song “Pass the Duchy?”
The Grumpy Party will be a voice for the disenfranchised (once I’ve worked out what ‘disenfranchised’ actually means). I’ve got a great slogan already for the campaign: “Vote Grenville – Grumpy is terrific!”, or, if you’re pushed for space, you can abbreviate that to “Grenville – GIT”. Catchy, no?
If that isn’t convincing enough, let’s move on to my policies, which I’ve hastily scribbled on a toilet roll I borrowed from the office (sorry whoever went in next – that was the last one.)
- Publicly funded soft toilet rolls for all workplaces. No more cheap, thin, rough stuff! Velvety loveliness for all our bottoms. And I’ll make sure there’s always a spare roll, in case some idiot used the last one to write their manifesto on.
- Why are they general elections? Vote for me and I’ll remove this vagueness. We want specific elections, and we want them sometime soon-ish! Or not. Maybe. Meh.
- Immediate ban on people who say “Can I get...” instead of “I would like”. This isn’t America, people. Jeez. Get with the program or I’ll go all potato chips on your cell phone.
- People who own ‘tapes’ (Video or audio) will be hailed as wise elders of the community, and afforded the respect they rightly deserve for not contributing to the landfill problem.
- Extra levy on 4x4 owners, who live in towns and slow down at the sight of puddle, to be used to fix roads damaged by 4x4 owners.
- Immediate Knighthood for the Electric Light Orchestra’s Jeff Lynne, for services to listening pleasure and happiness. (National Anthem also replaced with “Mr Blue Sky”.)
- Creme Eggs to be available all year.
- The PLL (Ploughman’s Lunch Law) will heavily fine any establishment attempting to sneak salad onto the plate, or not provide a pickled onion. You’re monsters. I’m coming for you.
- Chocolate to be put on the top of biscuits, not the bottom.
- More kitten videos. Because kitten videos!
- Any reality TV shows, dancing contests, etc. must have ‘celebs’ who at least 75% of the population can readily identify.
- Extra personal Bank Holiday on your Birthday.
You know it makes sense. Let’s make this country really ticked off about something again! Vote Grumpy Party on the 8th of June.
Your alternatives aren’t much better...
This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 21st of April 2017. You can view the version used by the paper on their website here, where it was re-titled as "Voting grumpy is the route to happiness".
Just in case it isn't obvious, I enjoyed writing this one. I suspect the list of my policies could easily have been much longer, but the original idea was to pick up on various topics of irritation from columns from the past, starting with wind chimes. In the end, other stuff escaped the strange container of my mind instead.
(CD A-Z: A new one from the Twelve Inch Eighties series - "Hold Me Now". Highlight so far has to be "Keeping the Dream Alive" by Munchener Freiheit. Wowzers.)
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