Clowns are no laughing matter

We’re only a couple of weeks away from Halloween, but the creepy stuff has arrived early this year - in the unlikely form of a clown invasion.

If TV has taught me anything, it’s that the end of the civilized world will either involve everything shutting down due to malevolent sentient computers, an alien invasion, or zombies rising from the grave to devour us all.

Computers is certainly plausible – my phone is already able to adapt for my fat fingers missing the keys, so destroying mankind is an obvious next step. Aliens? I’ve not see any evidence, but Cumbria has lots of uninhabited bits they could be hiding in, plotting our downfall. As for Zombies – if the end of the world comes from an attack by the undead, at least our destroyers will be smartly dressed, as not many people get buried in jeans and a T-shirt.

But are we really heading for Clownpocalypse? If you’ve kept up with the media this week, you could be forgiven for assuming that the end is very nearly nigh, such has been the hysteria around sightings of the face-painted goons.

It seems a craze for dressing up as a frightening version of our circus chums and chasing people, or just standing, ominously, has made it’s way to our shores from the US, but without the spinning bow-ties and over-sized footwear. It’s more waving weapons and freaking out children.

The jokers doing this are preying on a recognised fear, Coulrophobia, but taking it to a more sinister level by introducing a very real sense of danger.

Cumbria Police have reported incidents across the county, with perpetrators approaching small children, jumping out of bushes, brandishing sticks and chasing people. It other parts of the country, chasing people in cars and waving knives and baseball bats has heightened the worry.

We can but hope that these are just idiots, emboldened by the sense of anonymity wearing a mask brings, pranking people for their own, puerile, amusement.

When the first one attempts to spook the wrong people and gets chased and beaten up, the draw of frightening people for kicks might wane somewhat. I’m trying not to picture a world where vigilante groups roam the streets looking for people with tiny cars to lynch or trashing branches of McDonalds. Be warned, #KillerClowns – the tables might be about to turn.

On a dark night, this could be bad news for Goths too. And worrying for over-made-up celebs who’ve had a bit too much plastic surgery.

In the meantime, being scared of clowns is nothing to be ashamed of. Johnny Depp, Daniel Radcliffe and even P Diddy are apparently terrified of them too, so you’re in good company.

Sadly, this is bad news for children’s party entertainers and circus folk, who legitimately don the OTT make-up for the purpose of amusing and delighting. Let’s hope the wheels don’t fall off their wagons of fun… unless that’s an intended part of the act.

Send in the clowns? They’re already here…

This post first appeared as my 'Thank grump it's Friday' column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 14th of October 2016. The paper re-titled it as "Haunted by the fears of a clown", which was rather the opposite of the intention of the column, which was effectively saying these saddo clowns are gits, who I'd gladly kick up the arse if they tried it on with me.

Strangely, it seems my columns are making it online via the paper's website, as one was spotted on their homepage recently. However, they don't show up in the Opinion section, or in any category. Add to that, you can't find them by my name, or the column's title.

I managed to track this one down on their website by searching on 'clown'. Odd, but there yo go. The more recent photograph they had been using with the column online seems to have vanished too, replaced with the header image used in the paper containing a picture of me from 5 years ago.

Makes me look fabulously sexy, no?

If all this is too depressing, you could always enrol in Clown College instead...

(CD A-Z continues, with Keane's "Strangeland" from the year they're calling 2012.)