Stay or gEU?

What’s a “Brexit” then? And why is everyone talking about it? Hang on... is this a serious column for a change?

Having spent a notable amount of time believing that “grexit” was the word used to describe what happens when you leave a well-know high street purveyor of sausage rolls, I similarly thought that “brexit” was something to do with departing after brunch.

Apparently not – it’s to do with us getting the chance to vote on if we want Britain to leave the European Union. BRitain EXIT, geddit? I know – they need a new scriptwriter.

The date has been set for this momentous occasion, and it’s June the 23rd. A Thursday, no less. Coincidentally 50 years since the Beatles were at No 1 with “Paperback Writer” - and you’d need a book to explain what the EU is all about.

We will then have the opportunity to decide if we want to be in, out, but sadly no box will be available if you want to shake it all about. Be careful if you do that though – those voting booths in your village hall aren’t all that sturdy.

As you know, I’m not very good at getting to the point and explaining things, but fear not – you won’t be able to escape the subject for the next few months, and there will be plenty of opportunities to glaze-over whilst you news presenter of choice tries to explain it to you, with the help of some flashy graphics.

Swarms of politicians are already busy disagreeing with each other (which is probably why it was hard to notice at first, as they seem to spend most of their time doing that anyway), and just to make sure we all get even more confused, they’ve been busy forming groups with names like “Britain Stronger in Europe” (whose BSE initials make it sound more like an outbreak), and “Leave.EU” (which is reminiscent of a note left on the kitchen table by a disgruntled, not very literate, ex-partner).

To complicate things further, if that’s possible, David Cameron popped over to Brussels (where they keep the decimalised straight bananas rulers, near the wine lake) to agree a package of changes the UK would get if we vote to stay in.

I checked, and it doesn’t mention extra sunshine quotas, or an immediate reduction in rainfall levels, but there is some tabloid-rant-inducing stuff in there to do with child benefits, migrant welfare payments and limits on free movement. Odd that last one – I’ve been moving all my life. Are they going to start charging me for it now? I might have to stay on the sofa more.

So get ready for four months of arguments about the endless rules, huge charges for membership, why it’s good for business, free trade agreements, jobs, borders, migrants and even more word mash-ups until we’re all SETH (Sick to death) of it, or just COMCON (Completely confused).

Then we can all brexit or bremain together. (Licks finger, presses it on leg, makes sizzling noise.)

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 4th of March 2016, where it was retitled as 'What exactly is a Brexit?'

The final "I'm on fire" joke was, unsurprisingly, edited out. It would work fine on Twitter, but clearly not for the average newspaper reader.

We seem to be back to normal as far as posts on the paper's website go - their Opinion section hasn't been updates since my column the week before, leaving my ugly mug there to frighten anyone visiting thinking they might actually get some kind of informed insight.

Stats update: March is off to a good start, but not quite as dramatic as February's early visit-fest. We'll see how it goes, eh?

(No CD today - Johnnie Walker is on BBC Radio 2 with Sounds Of The Seventies. Essential listening.)