How I made my first million

I may not be able to write for you for much longer. Pretty soon I’ll be too busy spending the fortune I’m about to make from my brilliant invention.

What’s the worst thing in the world about owning a mobile phone (Apart from the fact that you might accidentally see a picture of Nigel Farrage smiling smugly, obviously)? That’s right. It’s not at a suitable angle when you put it on your desk at work.

How are you supposed to watch that awesome kitten-falling-off-a-table video, when your screen is pointing at the ceiling? Exactly. It’s really slightly awkward isn’t? And we shouldn’t be made to suffer like that.

Of course, the phone manufacturers must take their share of the blame. Sure, some of them have made cases with a little foldy-outy bit, so that your phone sort of stands upright-ish, but they cost nearly as much as my first car (an orange mini with fur-lined doors).

What’s really needed is an ergonomic, lightweight, practical and inexpensive way of having your phone angled neatly towards your face, so you’ll be able to see quickly and easily when you’ve been tweeted at, or someone has commented on that Instagram picture of your lunch with the antique filter applied.

This is where my genius invention comes in. Stylishly able to accept just about any phone, it allows the owner to have their mobile constantly ready to keep them abreast of Facebook status updates, just as long as you want it in portrait mode. Vertical video is the future, apparently, so I’m ahead of the curve there anyway.

Cleverly made from a special process that involves secret, patented, ingredients that just happen to have the look, feel and flammability of pressed cardboard, it is recyclable, and can even go in your compost bin when you’re done with it.

Infinitely customisable to suit your individual style, the curvy surface can come in an endless range of colours and the latest funky styles to keep you at the forefront of fashion (as long as you have some felt tips or a handy small child with some poster paints hanging about your house).

It’s cool. It’s practical. It’s recyclable. It’s inexpensive. It frees your phone from the tyranny of having to just lie flat. It’s amazing. But that’s not all – you can even use it to carry not one, but two, cups of coffee from your favourite international beverage retail conglomerate! I know – thank me later!

I’m expecting a huge rush on these, so make sure you get your order in now, and be the envy of all your friends with their useless, laying down, phones.

It is important to note that it is entirely coincidental that my stupendously original invention just happens to look exactly like one of those cardboard holders you get at Greggs when you buy two cappuccinos to take out.

Anyway – got to go. Dragon’s Den just rang about my application, and said my idea was “breathtakingly audacious”. Kerching!

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 26th of February 2016.  The version used on their website (yes, it's being updated again!) was retitled as "Mobile phone idea will make me a fortune", whilst the print edition was "Phone idea will make millions".

The Farrage reference was dropped, and Greggs weren't mentioned by name, but not surprises there!

For only the second time ever, there was actually a photo with the column in the paper (and on their website), and for the very first time I took it. Call me Mr Multimedia from now on, OK?

I think I'm at my best when being resolutely daft, so I was really quite pleased with this one.

As alluded to last time, February turns out to have been my biggest month on this blog EVER, comfortably clearing the previous record by more than 300 views. To get nearly 3000 views in a month is pretty amazing. Thank you.

As I close in fast on my 200th newspaper column, I'm constantly surprised that a) I haven't been dropped by the paper for bending the idea of an "opinion" column so ridiculously, and b) that folks online actually come and have a look.

Do come and say hello to me on Twitter if you're one of them - it'd be lovely to know what I'm doing right (or wrong, but be gentle, eh?).  Head over to @grumpyf1

(Currently listening to Ken Bruce on BBC Radio 2. Do enjoy his show, although I'm not around often to tune in, due to having to work for a living. Well, until the phone holder thing starts paying out, obviously...)