The not so tree-mendous time of year

Christmas – a fleeting, wonderful, time of year.

Jam – fruity deliciousness for your toast. Neither should be spread thinly. So why does the festive season start so early now?

Black Friday may have turned out to be notable mainly for the absence of commotion in physical shopping emporiums, but it did have one worrying development that you may not have been aware of, and the Evening Mail seems to have missed – our new, young, neighbours got a Christmas tree, decorated it, and have clearly forgotten where the off switch for the lights is ever since.

At the risk of being accused, again, of getting my Scrooge flag out and waving it vigorously (and possibly a bit aggressively) from the rooftops, that’s a whole sleigh-load too early, with nigh-on a month to go until the jolly chap in red is due to show up with presents (and I don’t mean the postie with your Amazon delivery), and Grandma gets a bit squiffy on the cooking sherry.

Unless you happen to be a shop (in which case your staff are already plotting Jona Lewie’s imminent demise after hearing “Stop The Cavalry” for the 400th time) there really isn’t an excuse to be decking the halls quite this early. Not that I’m forgiving the shops, either – some of them started in September. You’ll just have to imagine me tutting and rolling my eyes at this point.

To make sure I hadn’t messed my facts up, I did nearly two minutes of research on the internet, which revealed very little of use, and that the general consensus amongst reasonably-minded people is do whatever you want when it comes to getting all festive.

When I come to power (which is inevitable, really, as I’m obviously a well-balanced individual with the best interests of the inhabitants of this country at heart) I intend to introduce a law stating that anything tinsel-related, bauble-ish, tree-like, or featuring strings of lights (Fairy or otherwise) is strictly prohibited until 12 days before Christmas.

Disobeying this law will result in offenders being forced to live on Brussels Sprouts for the duration of the season, whilst listening to “Agadoo” by Black Lace on loop. And no Doctor Who Christmas Special or After Eights, either.

Using the “It’s for the kids!” excuse won’t cut it either. It might be a special time for them, but spreading it out so that more than 10% of the year is Christmas-themed isn’t making the fun last longer – it mostly winds up being like all the other months, but more glittery.

And just because they want it, doesn’t mean they should automatically get it, does it? Not after that incident with the Hamster, Plasticine and a hair dryer, anyway.

The anticipation, the rush of excitement... there’s something great about it only being brief. You wouldn’t take a great 3 minute pop song and stretch it out to 25, would you?

Wait... I think I just slagged off Prog Rock. Oops.

Is that a humbug? Lovely.

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 4th of December 2015. I can prove it too, because it's on their website here, although they renamed it as the less pun-tastic "Too early for seasonal cheer".

Of course, posting it now just makes me look like a miserable old sod, which is fair enough, because it's true. Having said that, I had a rare, genuinely enjoyable, day in the office yesterday - Christmas lunch, sat with my favourite colleagues, and laughed like a drain during the day at the stupendous Sewell Sampler. Hard to explain, but go and have a look. You won't regret it. Maybe I'm not Scrooge reincarnated after all? Don't answer that.

(CD A-Z at D - Def Leppard's covers album "Yeah"! The Leps do ELO? Count me in.)

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