Missing in action

Twins? Looking pleased? Holding results? Jumping in the air? Must
be GCSE results time again...

At this point in the week (give or take a day or two due to my ineptitude and laziness) I'd usually be posting my weekly newspaper column here, in all it's unedited, and unedifying, glory.

Right up until Thursday afternoon, things were going pretty normally on that front. I'd subbed my 500 words first thing Thursday morning, rather than the usual Wednesday night (more on that next week - was that a 'spoiler'?!), but assumed I'd hear no more until Friday. At that point it might have shown up on the paper's website but, if not, I'd know when the post came on Saturday or Monday for definite.

For the previous 169 submissions this had worked pretty well, with a couple of exceptions involving me forgetting to actually attach it to the email one week (thankfully rectified just in time) and penning a column considered libellous by the paper's editor and legal bigwigs, which didn't get published.

Column 170, I was informed by email, wasn't going to make it in this week, as the paper was struggling for space because of GCSE results - that strange situation where it's deemed necessary to shoehorn the names and results of every kid in the area who took their exams into the paper in microscopic print, in a kind of horrifying league table of "Ooh! That's amazing!" or "McDonald's looks like a good career choice".

These, of course, are accompanied by pictures of teenagers holding their results and looking pleased, holding their results and looking surprised and pleased just after opening them, holding their results whilst looking pleased and hugging, holding their results whilst looking pleased and lined up for the camera, or (and this is my personal favourite) holding their results whilst looking pleased and jumping in the air. The more attractive the better. Identical twins are snapper heaven too.

Oddly, the ratio of looking pleased pictures is often skewed towards girls; for some reason, boys looking chuffed doesn't have the same journalistic punch. Plus, teenage boys aren't naturally of a sunny disposition - I am qualified to say that, as I was a surly male teen once, and I don't think the rules have changed much even though that was several decades back.

If you're very lucky, these all combine to make the perfect storm of a photo - attractive female twins holding their results, looking pleased, and jumping in the air. Preferably dressed the same. Winner! Take the rest of the week off.

Clearly, young people and parents alike will want a copy of the paper for posterity, but I can't imagine it's a thrilling read for most of the regular readers, unless you're on a forthcoming episode of Mastermind, and you're chosen subject is 'The GCSE results, of every young person in the readership area of the North West Evening Mail, 2015'. And your time starts.... now.

So... no newspaper column this week, but I do appear to have just written something of a similar length, and in my usual style, whilst pointing out why. And you didn't even have to buy a paper.

Aren't I good to you?

(CD A-Z? Still on A - "Shaken And Stirred", the David Arnold James Bond Project is currently getting an outing.)

Making an exhibition of yourself

Now and again, it’s good to reaffirm that you’re a (relatively) normal human being. One excellent way of doing this is to go to a business exhibition. Despite what you might have surmised from reading my previous columns, I am employable, and even capable of acting like a regular person most of the time, even joining in the Monday morning conversation about the weather over the weekend, and why (insert name of footyballs manager here) should be fired immediately. The mug! True, there are times, often involving a caffeine deficiency, where it is like having the distilled essence of ten moody teenagers in the room, but I try and get that out of the way when people I genuinely like aren’t around to see it. As part of my ongoing experiment with what others call ‘working’, my ‘job’ involves me occasionally needing to go and see what some of my colleagues get up to outside the office, and what our competitors do to try and make sure that they do whatever my colleagues do better than ...

Unstable Stables: Throw away the key

It’s comforting to know that there is one less threat to the people of Cumbria this week, following the conviction of white supremacist, Ethan Stables. The 20 year old from Barrow had planned to attack the town’s New Empire pub in June 2017, in the midst of a gay pride event. Despite social media posts saying he was “going to war” and planning to “slaughter”, online searches about how to make bombs and chemical poisons, and expressing hatred of Muslims, Jews and gay people, he claimed his online comments were merely to impress far-right friends. Fortunately, following Facebook posts about his intentions, the police were tipped off and armed officers intercepted him as he headed towards the pub. His aim was to kill anyone he found, with a machete. In a bizarre slip-up, Stables had erroneously added an innocent woman to his neo-Nazi Facebook group. When he vented his outrage at the Furness LGBT support group’s event, the shocked woman contacted the authorities. He’ll have ple...

Is it foggy? No.

When I get put in charge (which is bound to happen soon), I'm going to introduce a whole raft of new laws, for I shall be a just and fair ruler. I'm quite liking the title of 'Most Marvellous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome', but it might be a bit long. On that basis, I'll settle for the more informal 'He Who Is Smashing' from my loyal subjects. Anyway, I digress. I do that sometimes - had you noticed? Here, then, is the first law that will introduced: grumpyf1 law No.1 - Turn your fog lights off, you complete git. Don't get me wrong; If it genuinely is foggy, fog lights are quite handy. The reason for introduction of this law is because 96% of the time (based on my own in-depth research) it isn't foggy when some utter cockwomble blinds you. This has always been a bit of a problem but in the last couple of years it seems to have escalated out of control, possibly because of the...

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