Missing in action

Twins? Looking pleased? Holding results? Jumping in the air? Must
be GCSE results time again...

At this point in the week (give or take a day or two due to my ineptitude and laziness) I'd usually be posting my weekly newspaper column here, in all it's unedited, and unedifying, glory.

Right up until Thursday afternoon, things were going pretty normally on that front. I'd subbed my 500 words first thing Thursday morning, rather than the usual Wednesday night (more on that next week - was that a 'spoiler'?!), but assumed I'd hear no more until Friday. At that point it might have shown up on the paper's website but, if not, I'd know when the post came on Saturday or Monday for definite.

For the previous 169 submissions this had worked pretty well, with a couple of exceptions involving me forgetting to actually attach it to the email one week (thankfully rectified just in time) and penning a column considered libellous by the paper's editor and legal bigwigs, which didn't get published.

Column 170, I was informed by email, wasn't going to make it in this week, as the paper was struggling for space because of GCSE results - that strange situation where it's deemed necessary to shoehorn the names and results of every kid in the area who took their exams into the paper in microscopic print, in a kind of horrifying league table of "Ooh! That's amazing!" or "McDonald's looks like a good career choice".

These, of course, are accompanied by pictures of teenagers holding their results and looking pleased, holding their results and looking surprised and pleased just after opening them, holding their results whilst looking pleased and hugging, holding their results whilst looking pleased and lined up for the camera, or (and this is my personal favourite) holding their results whilst looking pleased and jumping in the air. The more attractive the better. Identical twins are snapper heaven too.

Oddly, the ratio of looking pleased pictures is often skewed towards girls; for some reason, boys looking chuffed doesn't have the same journalistic punch. Plus, teenage boys aren't naturally of a sunny disposition - I am qualified to say that, as I was a surly male teen once, and I don't think the rules have changed much even though that was several decades back.

If you're very lucky, these all combine to make the perfect storm of a photo - attractive female twins holding their results, looking pleased, and jumping in the air. Preferably dressed the same. Winner! Take the rest of the week off.

Clearly, young people and parents alike will want a copy of the paper for posterity, but I can't imagine it's a thrilling read for most of the regular readers, unless you're on a forthcoming episode of Mastermind, and you're chosen subject is 'The GCSE results, of every young person in the readership area of the North West Evening Mail, 2015'. And your time starts.... now.

So... no newspaper column this week, but I do appear to have just written something of a similar length, and in my usual style, whilst pointing out why. And you didn't even have to buy a paper.

Aren't I good to you?

(CD A-Z? Still on A - "Shaken And Stirred", the David Arnold James Bond Project is currently getting an outing.)

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