Did the earth move for you?

After a jolly day trip to Edinburgh on Monday, we were heading home on the train when Twitter delivered me some devastating news...

Still full of excessive amounts of coffee, pizza, and reeling from the sensory overload of a large lingerie department visit, my journey back to the deep south of Cumbria should have been one of calm, tranquillity, listening to the Doctor Who theme song and surreptitiously studying other passengers then pretending I was enjoying the view when they looked up.

Of course, a trip to a large city meant a heady day of unprecedented mobile phone signal strength, making the choice between looking at the delights of beautiful Edinburgh, and discovering that my phone could actually load a video, all the more tricky.

As the miles slipped by in a blur of lights and a faint whiff of train toilet, the selection of letters and symbols indicating signal strength gradually lessened, until I was once again faced with the bleak message “Unable to update Twitter at this time – no signal”.

Scrolling back through my timeline, I was stunned to read a brief automated tweet, bringing terrifying news: There had been an earthquake in Silverdale! Trembling (but that could have been the coffee), I tried to check the BBC News website, but still no signal.

The information was minimal. It had struck at tea time, at a depth of 8km, with a magnitude of 1.1 on the Richter scale. I feared the worst – in my little picturesque village just along the coast, surely there must have been colossal damage?

Buildings collapsed? People crawling from the wreckage? Maybe it had triggered a terrifying tsunami, sweeping sheep inland and piling them against the doors of the pub? Maybe I couldn’t get a phone signal because the local infrastructure had been wiped out, forcing the network to shut down further afield! My God! My Sheena Easton 7” singles collection might have been destroyed!

I tried to distract myself by listening to music on shuffle and flicking through the copy of The Big Issue I’d purchased, but it was no good. The suspenders were killing me. Suspense! I definitely meant suspense.

Arriving back at Oxenholme (it’s the gateway to the Lake District, apparently), we rushed to the car and headed home nervously. The roads were rough, with huge splits and holes threatening to swallow the car whole, but that’s normal for Cumbria.

Amazingly, not only had our village survived, our house was still standing too. Inside, the mess was terrible – I really should have tidied up before we went out.

There was no mention of it on the 10pm news on the TV, and I couldn’t find anything on the internet the next day either, so I’ve concluded that the government must be covering it all up.

Further research revealed that a quake of that magnitude is equivalent to about 30lbs of TNT going off, or a construction site blast... 8kms underground.

I bet The Wombles are really annoyed.

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 27th of February 2015. You can view the version published on the paper's website here

It was a lovely day out in Edinburgh. Here's the proof:

See? Top notch proper cappuccino and... er... y'know.

I should probably keep a count of the number of times I've got Sheena in the paper...

(Odd - the cassette deck seems to playing OK again at the moment. and is giving forth - via a TDK D90 - Duran Duran's "Greatest" from a cassette recorded on the 2nd of January 2000. Yes, I am a nerd about these things. Get over it. *complicated hand gesture*)

Malaysian Grand Prix - Vettel hot, but not bothered

Malaysia. It's always hot, and it always rains. Except the 2nd part is no longer true (unless you count the drizzly bit around lap 14). Saturday's qualifying session had highlighted the fact that Red Bull and McLaren seemed well matched on pace, but also that Ferrari were struggling. Whilst Vettel bagged another pole, followed by Hamilton, Webber and Button, Alonso was only 5th, and Massa 7th, with Nick Heidfeld an excellent 6th on the grid between the two red cars. At this point, I would like to break momentarily for a small rant: How many times do I have to say Heidfeld is good? Why wasn't he given a top drive years ago? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU BLIND!!!?? Ahem. The Hispanias somehow managed to a) turn up b) remember to bring cars c) get both of them on the track d) actually get both of them within 107%. Pretty remarkable really. Oh, and it didn't rain. Race day looked a more likely candidate for a drop of the wet stuff. The start was exciting, with...

A fisful of change at the shops

A recent day out reminded me how much the retail experience has altered during my lifetime – and it’s not all good. I could stop typing this, and buy a fridge, in a matter of seconds. The shops are shut and it’s 9pm, but I could still place the order and arrange delivery. I haven’t got to wander round a white-goods retail emporium trying to work out which slightly different version of something that keeps my cider cold is better. It’ll be cheaper, too. But in amongst the convenience, endless choice and bargains, we’ve lost some of the personal, human, touches that used to make a trip to the shops something more than just a daily chore. Last weekend, we visited a local coastal town. Amongst the shops selling over-priced imported home accessories (who doesn’t need another roughly-hewn wooden heart, poorly painted and a bargain at £10?) was one that looked different. It’s window allowed you to see in, rather than being plastered with stick-on graphics and special offers calling ...

Suffering from natural obsolescence

You know you’re getting old when it dawns on you that you’re outliving technological breakthroughs. You know the sort of thing – something revolutionary, that heralds a seismic shift it the way the modern world operates. Clever, time-saving, breathtaking and life-changing (and featuring a circuit board). It’s the future, baby! Until it isn’t any more. I got to pondering this when we laughed heartily in the office about someone asking if our camcorder used “tape”. Tape? Get with the times, Daddy-o! If it ain’t digital then for-get-it! I then attempted to explain to an impossibly young colleague that video tape in a camcorder was indeed once a “thing”, requiring the carrying of something the size of a briefcase around on your shoulder, containing batteries normally reserved for a bus, and a start-up time from pressing ‘Record’ so lengthy, couples were already getting divorced by the time it was ready to record them saying “I do”. After explaining what tape was, I realised I’d ...

grumpyf1

Search This Blog