Autumn: The season of mists, mellow fruitfulness, and idiots using their car’s lights inappropriately again.
Pretty much as soon as the cold weather descended, and the evenings started to draw in alarmingly fast, we had the delight that is drivers on our roads with a selfish streak, or possibly just a complete lack of brains.On a splendid run along the A591 on Monday (you remember Monday – it was the one with all the wind and rain) before daylight had bothered to show up, I found myself squinting blearily at the dazzling lights ahead of me.
Had I taken a wrong turning in my pre-cappuccino befuddlement, and arrived on the front at Blackpool at lighting up time? Had the sun gone into supernova, leaving me with just minutes before the end of the universe (and ready access to a cappuccino)? Can I please just have a cappuccino?
No. Despite the fact that the sky was depositing an inch of rain in the space of a couple of hours (so that’s where it all went!), the person in front of me had their fog lights on. I can only assume they thought the extra light bouncing off all the raindrops and spray would help them see ahead a tiny bit better. Hell, maybe it even did.
Regrettably, for anyone who had the misfortune to be following them, the effect of their dazzling rear fog lights through the rain and spray was surprisingly similar to pressing your face against a set of traffic lights just as they turn red. Don’t ask me how I know that.
So bright was the red light reflecting everywhere, it was impossible to tell how far the car was ahead, which lane it was in, or if I was actually mistakenly approaching the lighting rig of a Pink Floyd gig circa 1987.
Back in the mists of time, before I had the pleasure of writing this newspaper column, I was but a humble blogger. In January of 2012, I beseeched my numerous followers (three, I think it was) to turn their fog lights off when it wasn’t foggy.
I realise now that a crime of that magnitude (whilst heinous, and rightfully deserving of harsh penalties) is but the equivalent a of pinching a single chocolate from the pick and mix, whilst switching them on in the dark in a downpour is akin to attempting to stuff every Creme Egg ever made into your mouth at the same time. Don’t ask me how I know that, either.
Are some people really that selfish and inconsiderate? Is it even conceivable that people who were capable of passing a complicated driving test might never have noticed how much a bright light refracts through rain?
On the plus side, any lost aircraft will be able spot a bit of tarmac to land on easily – it’ll be the road full of half blinded, coffee-deprived, newspaper columnists with a marked squint and angry facial expression, getting Monday off to a really bad start.
This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 10th of October 2014, where it was retitled as "Rear fog lights far too dazzling", which is pretty literal, isn't it? The column went straight into the archive on the paper's website, without a credit, but if you fancy a look, you can find it here. On the plus side - no scary picture of me.
Apologies for the lateness of posting this - it's been a hectic couple of evenings in front of the computer, for reasons I can't currently reveal. There - I've dropped an element of suspense in. Clever, huh?
(Tonight's tunes, fresh through the letterbox and into the CD player, are by The Beatles, from "On Air - Live at the BBC Volume 2". I'm so cool, my bangin' tunes is only 50+ year old, man. Innit? Respeck.)
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