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Any diet you want

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I am now an expert on dieting, based on extensive research carried out in the office kitchen, whilst trying to make a coffee with two sugars.

I say ‘research’ – what I actually mean is ‘listening’. And when I say ‘extensive’, what I really mean is ‘I heard some colleagues talking about dieting on a couple of occasions’.

Having said that, I suppose that is quite rigorous, when compared to the level of analysis done by some people before giving up any food that starts with the letter ‘B’, or surviving for a fortnight purely on grapefruit skins, because that’s what their favourite celebrity supposedly did to “lose 3 stone and look a million dollars!”

Office kitchens are a fabulous source of information. You only have to loiter in the doorway for a couple of minutes to pick up all the facts you need about who is leaving, why something won’t work, what your colleagues did at the weekend and (this is the relevant bit, by the way) their latest way of losing some weight, before their big holiday/wedding/bum won’t fit through the door.

I realised a while ago that a bit less time on the sofa, a touch less cake, a tad more going out for a walk and a slice of not having half a packet of HobNobs after dinner, was quite effective, especially if you did it for longer than a day.

Strangely, this concept doesn’t seem to have spread beyond the Grenville household, and lots of people still think starving themselves or adopting a crackpot diet regime will have the desired effect.

Well, it does – and in a much shorter time than the GrumpyManDietPlan (TM). The slight problem is, once you stop and go back to your old habits after losing 10lbs in a week, your newfound ability to get into a size smaller pair of jeans reverses more rapidly than an out of control granny on a petrol station forecourt.

I was particularly impressed with one of the diets I overheard being discussed this week, as a newly-trim workmate held court by the sink to some attentive and appreciative diet-wannabes (by the hot water dispensing machine, and the tea towels that look like they’ve been used to clean up a field just after some curry-eating cows have left, respectively).

Apparently, this one was carb-related (but I don’t know if that’s low, high, or from a 1983 Ford Capri) and involved having bacon and eggs for breakfast. Every day. I should be skinnier than Kate Moss.

Cutting all sugar out of your diet seems to be trendy at the moment too. I don’t know if it’ll help you to lose weight, but it would definitely suck a couple of tons of enjoyment out of my day.

Of course, it isn’t all just about weight. Changing your eating habits can help to extend your lifespan.

Judging on some of the stuff I’ve seen being microwaved at work, a few of my colleagues might actually be shortening theirs.

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 26th of September 2014, where it was retitled "All the dieting advice you need".  After a two week absence, I'm pleased to report that you can view the version used by the paper on their website here.

I wasn't entirely happy with this one. The idea was fine but, once I got going with it, I didn't have as many examples of crackpot diet regimes as I'd thought. It therefore had more of the background, and less of the diet bit than I'd hoped. I couldn't come up with a really strong ending either.

Still, as this was my 124th column, I guess I can excuse myself the occasional dip in quality. I do feel bad if I haven't done a great job, though. Mrs G (who is the first person to read the column before I submit it) reckoned it was fine, so maybe I shouldn't beat myself up too much.

(Tunes today from a 4CD set by The Police - "Message In A Box: The Complete Recordings". De Do Do Do...)

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