TUNNELER: Doesn’t want to be there. Disinterested, sighs a lot, and gives the impression that their time is being wasted. Only makes eye contact if they can use the opportunity to roll them, shrug over-dramatically and pull a silly grin. Looks at their watch a lot. In real life: That friend you always have to call first.
DOORMAT: Often a startled underling, who didn’t pretend to be on the phone fast enough when the boss was looking for a substitute. They don’t understand what’s going on, and leave the meeting with a to-do list which, if attempted on their own, will see them past retirement age. In real life: That lovely, optimistic, person from school, who you just know will be on the front pages one day after attempting to kill someone with a sharpened cucumber.
TETCH: Can’t believe how long it’s taking everyone to sort something simple out, keep trying to move on to the next item before anyone has understood the current one, tuts a lot. Drums fingers on desk, whilst giving one word answers in a tone that implies you’re wasting their valuable time. In real life: Oddly good at jigsaws.
THOR: God of thunder. Irrespective of what the meeting is about they have their own agenda, which WILL be discussed, whether there is time, anyone cares, lunch, or the sudden and unexpected death of a colleague after a particularly nasty garibaldi incident. In real life: The one at the petrol station, shouting at a pump like it’ll help.
GROANER: It wouldn’t matter if you were only at the meeting to look at pictures of kittens. They’d still want to make it abundantly clear that they don’t agree with the fur colour, or weren’t consulted on the level of cuteness. Even if it’s their meeting, they’ll still not be happy. In real life: That Uncle you really hope isn’t coming for Christmas dinner this year.
SMOOTHIE: Super-calm, and with an incredible ability to smooth ruffled feathers and diffuse arguments. Possibly using some form of hypnosis, but who cares? Able to tell you you’re hopeless, but make you feel like you’ve been awarded Employee Of The Year. In real life: Suffers from illusion they’ll slip up in a minute, and turn out to be a hideous git. They won’t, though.
MASTER: Usually very senior, or influential. When they start talking, everyone else stops. They either make the meeting run brilliantly by ensuring fairness and quashing dissent, or think they have, when in reality, everyone is too scared to do anything that might upset them, and just waits until next time. In real life: Spends the weekend driving the kids everywhere and wearing a Barbour jacket.
Disclaimer: Neither I, nor the North West Evening Mail, can be held responsible if you’re discovered ticking colleagues off against the list, whilst playing some kind of depraved human Bingo.
This post first appeared as my "Thank Grumpy it's Friday" column in the North West Evening Mail on the 24th of January 2014, where it was retitled "Are you a tetch or Thor?" You can view the edited version published by the paper here It received a few trims, including the loss of the opening warning, the (I thought) really rather good 'garibaldi incident' line, and the whole disclaimer at the end.
What started out as a simple idea for this column burgeoned surprisingly when I started writing it, and wound up being a two parter, although when I came to look at the second part for this week, I discovered I was still over 100 words long, even though I remember reigning back on some of the thoughts in my head at the time. This could therefore have been a three part piece, although that would probably have been pushing my luck somewhat. Funny how it goes.
(Still on the homemade compilation CDs - this one currently has a spot of Jeff Lynne on, which I'd always place firmly in a category with the word "winning" in the title.)
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