Arnside Resident in ‘ManFlu stops gawping’ shock!

Two very rare, but equally frightening and dangerous, events occurred last week: Coastal flooding in my village, and me contracting ManFlu.

Being of a robust constitution, I usually laugh in the virus-covered faces of those with colds and flu, and continue, manfully, to make it into work whilst those around me succumb to the snuffles.

Unfortunately, it appears that my immune system just stores all the lurgies somewhere (is that what your appendix is for, really?) and then lets a year’s supply of angry, stir-crazy, unpleasantness out to roam my system on the same day. Or “Germageddon” as I’ve scientifically named it.

Whilst my cocktail of lethal nastiness was getting to work, mother nature was busy doing her worst around the country too, and had decided to save up a once-in-a-decade high tide vs strong winds experience for my entertainment, with the added thrill of an extreme low pressure system chucked in, just in case it wasn’t already exciting enough.

Being a bit of a tide-level nerd, a predicted 10.6m high made it sound very much like I’d need my waders to get to the Post Office, so I was determined to be on the Prom at Arnside at the very moment it peaked. Plus, I was secretly hoping to spot the one berk who decided to ignore all the warnings that had been broadcast through every form of media for several days beforehand, and attempt to drive their car through the latest addition to Morecambe Bay.

On the big day, my temperature was oscillating faster than I could add/remove layers of clothing, and whilst conditions were blowy and prone to sudden violent moments of cascading moisture outside, I was similarly afflicted from the comfort of my sofa.

It seemed that fate had conspired against me. Whilst the waves lapped over the pavements of my village (and through the doors of homes in neighbouring Sandside) and traffic ground to a halt, I too was stranded, unable to drag my flu-ravaged body from the house.

Luckily, the wonders of technology came to my rescue; If I couldn’t go to the flood, the flood could come to me, via WiFi! Whilst the watery waves crept higher, their electronic counterparts washed the event to me live, courtesy of the Chip Shop webcam, and it’s all-seeing camera chum, located in a shop opposite the pier.

Adding to the drama was a live update of the latest news, plus jolly exciting and dramatic photographs, delivered straight to me via the wonders of twitter tech, local users and businesses, and my Christmas present 7” tablet computer.

Mopping my fevered brow, and squinting through my watering eyes, I was able to experience the whole thing first hand, without the need for a brolly (but with similar levels of moistness).

You’ll be pleased to hear I am expected to make a full recovery, although any spare chocolate, or cappuccinos, would definitely help the healing process.

Sadly, there is no known cure for nerdiness.

This post first appeared as my "Thank Grumpy it's Friday" column in the North West Evening Mail on the 10th of January, where it was retitled 'Fine view of floods seen from sick bed', which is quite... literal.

I'd post you a link to the version used by the paper on their website, but for some reason it hasn't made it on there. I hope this isn't a subtle way of trying to tell me I'm not wanted any more.

I'm still holed up in the spare bedroom, whilst the 'office' is decorated. So far, I've moved most of the stuff out of there. Not bad for two weeks, I reckon. Don't want to overdo it and hurt myself, do I? Besides, it's warmer in here.

(Another homemade compilation CD is filling the cans tonight, currently with a spot of Sister Sledge's "Lost In Music". Smoooooth.)

Making an exhibition of yourself

Now and again, it’s good to reaffirm that you’re a (relatively) normal human being. One excellent way of doing this is to go to a business exhibition. Despite what you might have surmised from reading my previous columns, I am employable, and even capable of acting like a regular person most of the time, even joining in the Monday morning conversation about the weather over the weekend, and why (insert name of footyballs manager here) should be fired immediately. The mug! True, there are times, often involving a caffeine deficiency, where it is like having the distilled essence of ten moody teenagers in the room, but I try and get that out of the way when people I genuinely like aren’t around to see it. As part of my ongoing experiment with what others call ‘working’, my ‘job’ involves me occasionally needing to go and see what some of my colleagues get up to outside the office, and what our competitors do to try and make sure that they do whatever my colleagues do better than ...

Unstable Stables: Throw away the key

It’s comforting to know that there is one less threat to the people of Cumbria this week, following the conviction of white supremacist, Ethan Stables. The 20 year old from Barrow had planned to attack the town’s New Empire pub in June 2017, in the midst of a gay pride event. Despite social media posts saying he was “going to war” and planning to “slaughter”, online searches about how to make bombs and chemical poisons, and expressing hatred of Muslims, Jews and gay people, he claimed his online comments were merely to impress far-right friends. Fortunately, following Facebook posts about his intentions, the police were tipped off and armed officers intercepted him as he headed towards the pub. His aim was to kill anyone he found, with a machete. In a bizarre slip-up, Stables had erroneously added an innocent woman to his neo-Nazi Facebook group. When he vented his outrage at the Furness LGBT support group’s event, the shocked woman contacted the authorities. He’ll have ple...

Is it foggy? No.

When I get put in charge (which is bound to happen soon), I'm going to introduce a whole raft of new laws, for I shall be a just and fair ruler. I'm quite liking the title of 'Most Marvellous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome', but it might be a bit long. On that basis, I'll settle for the more informal 'He Who Is Smashing' from my loyal subjects. Anyway, I digress. I do that sometimes - had you noticed? Here, then, is the first law that will introduced: grumpyf1 law No.1 - Turn your fog lights off, you complete git. Don't get me wrong; If it genuinely is foggy, fog lights are quite handy. The reason for introduction of this law is because 96% of the time (based on my own in-depth research) it isn't foggy when some utter cockwomble blinds you. This has always been a bit of a problem but in the last couple of years it seems to have escalated out of control, possibly because of the...

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