It was a normal day aboard the pirate ship. Assorted ruffians and hornswagglers were wandering around on deck in the sunshine, trying to look tough. It had been several weeks since the lookout pirate in the crow’s nest had shouted “Land-hooooooo!” and got everyone excited, before admitting it was actually a bit of fluff on his telescope lens, and not land at all.
After he’d recovered from being thrown overboard, he had spent the last week sulking in the crow’s nest, occasionally throwing weevil-infested ship’s biscuits at the angry pirates below.
Red Becca stood at the very bow of the ship, one foot resting on a barrel, staring thoughtfully into the distance. A strange, clomping sound of one boot, and a piece of wood, alternating on the deck behind her, alerted her to the approach of the ship’s rather hopeless captain.
“Hello, Bumchin.” Said Red, without looking over her shoulder.
“Yargh!” Replied the startled pirate. “How’d ye know it be me?”
Red sighed at the old sea dog’s poor use of English. “Pirate’s instincts.” Said Red, enjoying the look of confusion this brought to the grizzled pirate’s face.
“Why ye be staring out to sea, young fella me lass?” Asked Bumchin, before adding “Dubloon for ye thoughts?”
“Oh, nothing.” Said Red. “I’ve just seen them doing this in pirate movies, so I thought I’d do the same, and see what happened”.
There was a long pause, whilst Bumchin’s brain attempted to process what Red had just said. Unfortunately for him, this made his face contort in a variety of entertaining ways, leaving him looking like a finalist in a gurning contest.
“Well...” he finally said, changing the subject. “I’d best be off, then...” and turned and started walking away.
“Hold on a second!” shouted Red at the retreating figure. “I thought you wanted to talk to me about something?”
“Arrrr...” muttered Bumchin, turning to face the ship’s most formidable under-ten pirate and hopping from foot to wooden foot. “It be nothing”.
“What’s wrong with you?” Asked Red. “You look... uncomfortable”.
“Yargh.” Said Bumchin, blushing. “I... well, yar see... I....”
At this point, Bumchin looked away, coughed a couple of times, and appeared to be carefully studying the floor, about 4 inches away from Red’s shiny boot. Finally, the hairy pirate said, in a small voice most at odds with his big stature: “I... needs ye toilet”.
Red was startled by the Captain’s rather honest answer, but recovered quickly. “Well, you’d better... er... go, then.” She said, and watched the hairy pirate scuttle away in the direction of the ship’s WC, which was, in fact, a truly terrifying wooden shack, containing the smelliest and filthiest of toilets know to piratekind. The door slammed, and there were a few seconds of silence, broken only by the sound of waves, and a seagull attempting the first bit of “Mr Blue Sky” before giving up, and going back to squawking out of tune.
The loud crash caused all the pirates on deck to jump. It was immediately followed by the type of swearing only pirates can manage. The toilet door flew open, and a soaking wet Bumchin staggered out, bellowing “YARGHHHH! BUCKETS OF BLOOD! YE TOILET HAS ATTACKED ME!” Before attempting to pull his sword of it’s holster, realised it was stuck, and pretended to dust some dirt off his tunic so he didn’t look foolish. It didn’t work.
Red approached the stinky toilet cautiously, and peered in. The toilet was lying on it’s side on the floor, water, and some far, far, worse stuff, all over the floor. Holding her nose, she studied the strange collection of items mixed in with the mess.
“Captain!” She barked, sternly. “I thought you’d fixed the wobbly toilet! This is an urgent matter! There are 100 men, and one very clever nine year old, aboard this ship, and we need this toilet working!”
Red picked up a soggy, mangled flower from the items on the floor. “What. Is. THIS?” She shouted, staring angrily at the cowering Captain.
“Arrr.” Said Bumchin. “I did what ye asked, and I fixed the toilet to the wall using a Lupin.”
Red rolled her eyes. “No. I said a Loo Pin.” She replied, exasperated.
“Yarrrr! A Lupin!” said Bumchin proudly. “Just like ye said. But that didn’t work, so then I used that!” and he pointed at what looked suspiciously like a piece of a sailor’s belt buckle, specifically, the bit that pokes through the hole in the leather strap. Red picked up the small piece of metal and studied this carefully. Baffled, she looked at the captain, and said quietly “Exactly how is this a Loo Pin?”
“I swiped it from pirate Louis’ belt whilst he be asleep”. Bumchin replied, grinning.
Red considered this reply for a moment, before turning to pirate Louis, handing the puzzled man the small bit of mangled metal and saying “Here, Louis, I think this is yours. It appears our crazy captain thought it was “Lou’s pin”. He is phenomenally stupid.”
“Well, shiver me timbers”, said Pirate Lou. “I’d been wonderin’ where me pin had gone. I’ve had to holds me favourite swashbuckling trousers up with string”.
Exasperated, Red turned back to face the captain once more. Staring at him for several seconds (which made the old sea dog rather nervous), she smiled in a strained kind of way, before saying quietly “Right, then, captain. What did you try next?”
The captain now looked very scared. He pointed at a broken bit of plastic tube lying on the floor, then flinched slightly as Red fixed him once more with her steely gaze. “What... what is it?” said Red, struggling to keep her voice calm.
“Ahem. Well... er... “ stammered Bumchin “It be... the outer bin of the biro we keeps in ye toilet, so we can do seafaring crosswords, and nautical Sudoko puzzles. I likes nautical Sudoko puzzles.” He added, forgetting what a serious predicament he was currently in.
“Let me guess.” Said Red. “That’ll be the loo pen, won’t it.”
“Yarrr. That it be.” Said Bumchin forlornly.
“It would appear I have to EVERYTHING myself around here!” Shouted Red, before stomping off the ships tool chest, and finding the correct Loo Pin to reattach the broken toilet securely. Five minutes later, the toilet was working properly again. Well, as properly as a stinky toilet used by 100 sailors could be, anyway.
Red emerged from the toilet to a round of applause from the grateful crew. Bumchin rushed hurriedly towards the open door, but Red put up her hand and smiled at the desperate pirate: “Remember the special pirate curry we had last night? I’d leave it five minutes if I were you...”
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