Out with the old... (Part 1)

I hope you had a smashing New Year.

It seems to be traditional to do a summing up of the highlights of the previous 12 months. Having had a fairly dismal 2012, I offer you instead a grumpy review of the lowlights of my year gone by.

January: I foolishly set myself a couple of New Year resolutions; to walk 200 miles, and lose half a stone in weight. Fat (literally) chance. Entered a competition called Big Blogger, allowing me to irritate even more people from the comfort of my own laptop. It rained.

February: Went on an InDesign software course in Manchester – looked startled and scared for two days, and found myself using the word “kerning” at parties afterwards (That isn’t true actually – I don’t get invited to parties). It rained.

March: The Formula 1 season started, causing me to undergo a rare burst of happiness. Also attended our lovely neighbour’s funeral. Ying and Yang (other Chinese Takeaways are available). After failing to pay attention at an AGM, I got myself elected as Chairman of the Allotment Association. Subsequently, everyone experienced their worst year of allotmenteering ever. Coincidence? I think not. It rained.

April: I was surprised to make it to 19 whole years without my long-suffering wife filing for divorce. Maybe it was my new-found Chairmanliness that saved me. Darren McSweeney won Big Blogger, which was entirely fair, as he writes excellent, reasoned, articles about actual subjects that affect readers’ lives, whilst I get obsessed about something and complain about it in print. Went on an Illustrator training course in Manchester – looked baffled and frightened for 2 days, and started seeing colours in RGB, rather than CMYK. It rained a bit more.

May: Arrived at a hideous mid-way point between 40 and 50. On the bright side, I’ve probably only got to work for another 25 years and I’ll be able to... oh, right, the pensions. Damn. The fine folks at the North West Evening Mail took pity on me, and foolishly let me loose with my own column. I can assure you it had nothing to do with the photos from their Christmas party (although I still don’t know where they got that Yak from). Went on holiday to Yorkshire, as it looked like they could do with a hairy bloke in loud shirts grumbling about stuff in their coffee shops. It rained a bit more, and there was brief hot week, which turned out to have been all of summer condensed.

June: Managed to make it to 3 years without smoking. Or smouldering. Or indeed, catching fire. Went on a Wordpress training course in Leeds – looked perplexed, mildly panicky and said the word “cached” a lot without knowing why. It rained a lot.

What happened next? Were there more months? Can Peter ever find true happiness? Tune in next week, when it seems almost inevitable that there were, and he won’t.

This column originally appeared in the North West Evening Mail on Friday 4th January 2013. You can view the version used by the paper on their website here.

The column received the most minor edit ever - just 2 words vanished, and my title was used too. Blimey. It was originally going to cover the whole year, but the first 'brief' draft was already over 700 words, so it was easy enough to expand it to make two.

(New Year, old music: Pink Floyd's "Momentary Lapse Of Reason". Damn good, though...)

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