grumpyf1

I had some Tesco burgers last week, and my voice went all croaky afterwards. I was definitely a little horse. I expect you’ve heard all the jokes by now, since the startling discovery that Tesco, and various other supermarkets, were stocking beefy products that were a higher percentage of Shergar, rather than burger, than you’d generally think was reasonable. The brilliance of twitter shone through, with jokes and Photoshopped pictures doing the rounds before most people had even had time to look at their burger and chips and think “Ooo – should I? Maybe if I put more ketchup on.” This reminded me of a great story that an old boss of mine told me, back in the 90’s, when I worked for BT, having somehow gained employment with them as a computer operator, when I didn’t own one, or, in fact, had ever actually used one. Anyone under 30 is now trying to imagine how that could even be possible. Quite a few people I worked with wondered how it was possible I got the job, too. Anywa

It’s often portrayed as an over-complicated, laborious, soul-destroying exercise, with endless form-filling and questions. I had none of these problems, although I was distracted by a brie and cranberry Panini, which may have helped. My very brief exposure to the world of adoption took about one and half hours, and just one question. It would have been even quicker, if the person asking the question hadn’t been so shy, and curious as to whether I bleed cappuccino if I’m cut. (Of course not – there’s cider in there too.) At the weekend, my wife and I were asked by my brilliant newspaper-column-ideas-factory, nearly-nine year old, friend if we would be willing to be adopted as Aunty and Uncle (although there appears to some confusion as to who is which). We were delighted to accept, and in my first role as Aunty Peter, I shall endeavour to attend a swimming pool party in March, although I did point out I can’t go in the pool; being this hairy, I’d likely absorb all the water

Mike Oldfield is brilliant. I make no apologies for saying that. Mad as a box of frogs, he's produced some of my favourite music of all time. Spotted a tweet the other day about a new version of "Guilty" from a forthcoming album called "Tubular Beats", coming out in February. Wow - can't quite make my mind up - brilliant, or terrifying? Will have to play it a few more times. I think I might like the album though. I (unlike just about everyone else) quite like a good remix/remake...

Last week I gave you the sorry tale of my first six months of 2012. In a shock move, here’s the skinny on the last six. (Warning: More gloom and mentions of rain.) July: British Grand Prix! Unadulterated joy! Succeeded on saying nothing of any use on twitter for 2 whole years. Just like everyone else on twitter. It rained a lot. August: After months of back pain, I finally started seeing a Physio, with amusing results. Especially if you happened to be looking through my window when I was doing exercises. Luckily, the police let me off with a caution and said I should remember to put clothes on before attempting the “arch”. It rained a lot. September: Moved offices, to a room where you can hear chaps having a tinkle next door. Worryingly, we can now figure out who some of the tinklers are, by their signature style. Coincidentally, it rained a lot. October: Discharged from Physio – I swear I saw them writing “beyond economical repair” on my file. Immediately started havi

I hope you had a smashing New Year. It seems to be traditional to do a summing up of the highlights of the previous 12 months. Having had a fairly dismal 2012, I offer you instead a grumpy review of the lowlights of my year gone by. January: I foolishly set myself a couple of New Year resolutions; to walk 200 miles, and lose half a stone in weight. Fat (literally) chance. Entered a competition called Big Blogger, allowing me to irritate even more people from the comfort of my own laptop. It rained. February: Went on an InDesign software course in Manchester – looked startled and scared for two days, and found myself using the word “kerning” at parties afterwards (That isn’t true actually – I don’t get invited to parties). It rained. March: The Formula 1 season started, causing me to undergo a rare burst of happiness. Also attended our lovely neighbour’s funeral. Ying and Yang (other Chinese Takeaways are available). After failing to pay attention at an AGM, I got myself ele