grumpyf1

So the Mayan apocalypse didn’t happen then – unless you’re reading this on a crumpled bit of yellowing paper in a bunker some time in 2014. In which case; Blimey! They were right after all. Who’d have guessed? It seemed fairly certain it wouldn’t happen of course. Why would you trust the predictions of a race who aren’t around any more? They clearly weren’t all that great at spotting the future, were they? But whilst you’re in that eggnog-poisoning recovery stage, and the cat recuperates from the incident with using the fairy-lights-covered Christmas tree as a posh indoor loo, instead of going outside in the rain, I’ve got some more bad news. There’s a space junk apocalypse on the way. We’re now so dependent on all the satellites orbiting our moist planet, it seems unlikely we’d know how to cope without them. Don’t believe me? Have a think about it – your TV, radio and internet probably get beamed about the planet via them. Your prat-nav relies on them. Your mobile does too. ...

From the depths of Arnside (where it doesn't look anything like this today, as it's mild-ish and raining)... HAPPY CHRISTMAS! Hope you have a brilliant time, and get some smashing presents. Easy on the eggnog though. Remember what happened last time? No? Precisely. I can confirm it is definitely the festive season as I've just had a conversation on twitter with President of the Liberal Democrats, Tim Farron, about whether Santa uses cloaking technology. And you thought your life was surreal... (Bit of Liz Phair's "Somebody's Miracle" on the CD-O-Gram today. Ho Ho Ho.)

It really is surprisingly easy to dismiss young people as rowdy, obnoxious, ill-mannered, illiterate, innumerate, violent, and everything that is bad about modern society. I bet you’ve done it. Little hooligans! You’re walking through a shopping centre, and there’s a bunch of them in their cool trainers, baggy trousers and a hoodie, giving it some serious att-e-chood, and leaving you with the distinct feeling they’d happily kick your head in. If they could be “bovvered”. I work for a charity, and recently had the opportunity to meet some young people who really were scary – a lad who had been dealing drugs since he was 12, another chased down the motorway by six police cars, and a teenage girl who hadn’t been to school for 2 years and beat up another girl because she annoyed her. I was filming them and listening to what they had to say. I wasn’t prepared for what I heard. All of these young people were so far into the room with the word “trouble” on the door, you’d have need...

For a long time now we’ve used the traditional rating method involving stars - One is bad, five is good. I’m a bit bored with that to be honest, so just in time for Christmas, I’m proposing we adopt a new, more entertaining, system. It’s true that we need some way of expressing our happiness using something that’s simple to understand, and the five star system has served us well (at least until the frightening lycra and spangly -bits band of the same name showed up in the late ‘80s). The problem is, it’s all a bit dull, and you never really know if someone is using more than the recommended five. Or less, maybe. Is the fact that your darling little tyke has got a gold star for that drawing of an orange starfish (or was it the sun?) good? Or was it out of five? The system is corrupt too – top hotels now claim to have six-star levels of plushness. Once again, I’ve felt the need to seek assistance from a wise nine-ish year old called Rebecca to come up with a universal system t...

This blog celebrated it's 3rd birthday recently. 36 months, 28,000 page views - I have to say I'm impressed. It's changed a fair bit since then - the original, sporadic, short but frequent, posts have given way to longer, more structured articles, with longer time intervals inbetween. This has partly been caused by me writing a newspaper column, as this has used up time I might otherwise have spent having mini vitriolic outings about anything that happened to have caught my limited span of attention. There's also been the more in-depth Fantasy Formula 1 coverage and F1 race reports. All well and good, but I'm starting to feel it's all got a bit too formal and planned. The stats peaked in March this year, and have been on a gentle downward slide since. Interaction (both here and over at the North West Evening Mail's site) is pretty much zero, so I've no idea if anybody is actually the slightest bit interested in what I'm writing. It's pres...

It’s hard to believe, but I’ve now lived in Cumbria for six years. To be honest, I was hoping for at least one summer during that time, but at least we don’t get much snow... Oh, right. Yes, we do. On this very day in 2006, we pulled onto the road into Arnside from Milnthorpe, in the kind of Biblical rainstorm that would have made Noah put the staff on overtime. The previous occupants of our home had thoughtfully left the windows open, and with all their cosy furnishings removed, and ours not due to arrive until the following morning, we huddled together for warmth, and bedded down for the night on the floor. Neither of us slept. My dreams were haunted by someone who looked just like me, leaning in so that their/my face was inches away from me, and bellowing repeatedly “What have you done? You haven’t even got a job!” Unbeknown to me, my terrified wife was equally awake, listening to the wind and rain batter the 100-year old sash windows, whilst a fair bit of the for...

I only follow one sport – Formula 1 motor racing. Potentially, I could follow more, but I suspect the intensity of disapproval from the other end of the sofa might be bad for my health. Or set the curtains on fire. As the season culminated in Brazil last Sunday, I’m now stuck with an F1-free existence through until March next year, whilst the Footballerist community enjoy their cosy conversations about which star gets paid the most, and who’s speaking with an amusing French accent this week. Still, I have some happy memories to keep me warm on the long winter nights, as 2012 was a scintillating season, which started off with seven different winners in the first seven races. This left the championship wide open until the end of the season, as the top teams struggled to out-develop their competitors. The final race couldn’t have been more exciting if you’d asked a panel of F1 geeks to write the script, whilst hosing them down with champagne. The impossibly young double World...