I say “sometimes” – what I mean is “constantly”. And when I say “pondering” I really mean “failing to function as a normal human being whilst daydreaming about...”
Here’s a few of this week’s strange brain-sneezes, some of which have escaped as actual words, causing startled friends and colleagues to back away slowly, whilst maintaining eye contact and smiling.
Olympics closing ceremony and Spice Girls on top of taxis.
Be honest – would anyone really have been upset if the driver of the car with Posh on top had “accidentally” stabbed the brake pedal a bit too hard? Don’t say you weren’t thinking about it.
Manners from a 3 year old.
I had the pleasure of meeting a charming young lady for the first time on Saturday. Whilst we were having dinner, I asked her a question, and she pointed at her mouth, whilst staring me in the eye and continuing to munch her food. Apparently, you’re not supposed to talk with your mouth full. Shown up by someone who hasn’t had their 4th birthday yet. Damn.
Loss of identity on twitter.
Whilst trying to change my brilliantly witty Olympics-themed profile picture, something went hideously wrong, and now I have no picture at all. I’m still checking my hands regularly, in case I’m fading out of existence. It’s either that, or the restraining order from Kate Bush’s lawyers has caught up with me again.
Filling out forms.
I have discovered that there is a terrifying additional problem with getting older. You move into the next section on forms. I’m no longer 30-44. I’m 45-60. You have no idea of the level of dread this instills in the soul. I’ve started hankering after salmon-coloured trousers and wearing socks and sandals. Send help.
Cornflakes in a pot.
Microwave beans are lazy - Fact. Small plastic pot with a one-person-sized helping of cornflakes in? This is the beginning of end of civilization, people! How could you let it come to this! We’ve landed on the moon, for God’s sake! And by comparison to a regular packet, it was about 500% more expensive, too. It’s the wonga.com of breakfast cereal insanity. Stop it.
Office bingo.
Do you have an annoying colleague? Yes, you do – don’t lie. Write down all the irritating things they say on a piece of paper, photocopy it, and hand to colleagues for a nice game of bingo. It might be wise to suggest an alternative word to shout out, though. Hurrah! How do you spell ‘P45’?
Queen.
Scientists have announced the Brian May will still be performing guitar solos at major UK events until at least 2065, although by then his hair will be so white and fluffy, that the increasing risk of his head being mistaken for a cloud will mean that a 2 mile aircraft exclusion zone will need to be in place before he can play We Will Rock You with yet another pop bimbo.
Sugar rush vs Double-Decker.
Today I discovered that a can of Coke contains well over a third of you RDA of sugar. That got me pondering – what if you switched to Diet Coke, and then got hit by a bus advertising Coke? Would that count as ironic?
Have a, randomly, good weekend.
If you can.
This post first appeared in my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column in the North West Evening Mail on Friday 17th August 2012. This is the unedited version - you can view the printed/online version here: "Forms expose my new age bracket", was used as the title by the NWEM, and it received a very harsh edit this week - down from 550 words submitted by me to 357.
To be fair, I already knew it was over-long (500 words is what I'm requested to supply), and I'd already suggested that they drop a section if necessary. So they dropped the last 3! So here's the whole thing, including the missing office bingo, musings on Brian May causing flight problems, and the hard reality of Coke.
Oh, and "Randerings" is a shiny new word, merging "Random" and "Ponderings" into a frightening bastard hybrid, whose very existence has probably caused staff at the OED to suddenly feel edgy without knowing why.
(Music today by Marillion, and their 2007 album "Somewhere Else".)
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