grumpyf1

This week, I was gently fondled by a ginger chap who looked like James Blunt, wearing only boxer shorts. Me, not him. He had very soft hands. My bedroom smells of hot rubber too. It’s just possible that I may need to back-track slightly, just so this doesn’t sound at all weird. Over the last few years, and especially the last few months, I’ve had some back problems. Apart from looking a little like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and spending my entire time thinking I probably shouldn’t slouch so much, this has recently converted itself into pretty extreme pain. I won’t try and convince you I’m manly – pain isn’t good. That’s why it’s called “pain” and not “nice feeling like eating marshmallows on a sunny afternoon, whilst birds tweet gently”. It had become so debilitating, that trying to wash my feet in the shower made me look the winner of a gurning contest, with bonus squealing noises. Reluctantly, I visited the doctor, who referred me to hospital to see a physiotherapis...

I sometimes find myself pondering entirely random things. I say “sometimes” – what I mean is “constantly”. And when I say “pondering” I really mean “failing to function as a normal human being whilst daydreaming about...” Here’s a few of this week’s strange brain-sneezes, some of which have escaped as actual words, causing startled friends and colleagues to back away slowly, whilst maintaining eye contact and smiling. Olympics closing ceremony and Spice Girls on top of taxis. Be honest – would anyone really have been upset if the driver of the car with Posh on top had “accidentally” stabbed the brake pedal a bit too hard? Don’t say you weren’t thinking about it. Manners from a 3 year old. I had the pleasure of meeting a charming young lady for the first time on Saturday. Whilst we were having dinner, I asked her a question, and she pointed at her mouth, whilst staring me in the eye and continuing to munch her food. Apparently, you’re not supposed to talk with your mou...

It’s been a tough week. I’ve had to say farewell to three trusty friends who’ve been with me for a long time. I was deeply saddened to see them go. This may seem somewhat pathetic to those of you who lack a sentimental streak, but I find it hard to let go of possessions that have served me well. So here are the items that I’ve had to say goodbye to this week. Please excuse the sobbing noises. I can’t help it. 1) Fat Face slippers. Age: 2 and a half. This warming pair have been a lifesaver in my never-ending battle against poor circulation. Even in the height of summer, I have cold feet. Having tried some fluffy tent boots from a camping shop (or “The Yeti Boots” as my niece knew them) I still found my feet suitable for keeping ice cubes cold on a hot day, and got the Fat Face ones as one of those ‘surprise’ Birthday presents from my mother in law. Surprise, as in I gave the product code and size, and my wife purchased them. Their sturdy soles prevented the cold penetrating ...

An odd thing happened to me whilst watching the Olympic opening ceremony last week – I started feeling a strange sensation, like nothing I’d ever felt before. Whilst a mind-boggling array of ever more bizarre images appeared on my screen, something was stirring, deep inside me. I didn’t think it was the antibiotics, either. Fantastical scenes of pastoral Britain, industrial sprawl and belching chimneys, Wallander in a big hat looking smug, the olde-worlde NHS, a weird multi-Mary Poppins scene (that’s one of my bucket list crossed off, anyway....), The legend that is Mike Oldfield performing Tubular Bells 274, James Bond and The Queen parachuting from a helicopter, LOTS of dancing, fireworks, flaming rings, a damn clever Olympic torch and David Beckham’s oddly fixed grin (to name just a few) assaulted my eyes, whilst some of the best music ever to come out of this country played joyfully in accompaniment. And still the weird feeling grew slowly. Subtle Pink Floyd references caus...