Abu Dhabi GP - Vettel in 'no win' shocker!

Abu Dhabi – it’s amazingly shiny, but a bit dull, right? Bunging a couple of DRS zones in should sort that though, surely? Well, it did help a bit... but not a lot.

Pre-race talk was once again about Hamilton, who was busy complaining to the BBC that the fact that he didn’t have a girlfriend, Dad, friends, hairdresser, cat, manicurist, cat’s manicurist or that chap he used to go to school with but hadn’t seen for 5 years with him at every race was the reason Jenson was doing better than him. Um... OK, then.

Jenson, meanwhile, was busy growing a fetching moustache and just bloody well getting on with it.

Quali had a pause in Q2 whilst pieces of highly un-tech bollard were removed, and an exciting last-gasp battle saw Button, Hamilton and finally Vettel grabbing pole in rapid succession. Seb equalled Mansell’s 14 poles in a season record, whilst the team the grumbly Brummie had so much success with, Williams, delivered their worst qualifying session in living memory, with too-many-engines penalties and gremlins leaving Maldonado and Barrichello 23rd and 24th on a dark day for the former champions.

Sunday featured a truly unique event – Seb didn’t even finish a lap. His usual lightning start saw him lead into the first corner, but an instantaneous puncture saw him spin out, gifting Hamilton a surprise 1st place. Alonso sneaked 2nd from Button, whilst Schumi & newly-contracted Rosberg slugged it out to try and prove who’s the daddy in the Merc squad.

A bemused Vettel limped round to the pits, but flailing Pirelli has chomped away half of the arse-end of his car, and it was game over for the Sebulator. Typically, he then had a look at data to try and figure out what happened, then sat the rest of the race on the pit wall to learn what goes on there. If that’d been Kimi, it would have been choc ice and Coke time.

Whilst Lewis held the gap to Alonso steady at around 5 seconds, Button was struggling by lap 13 as his KERS packed up. Webber closed in, and some quality scrapping ensued, the pair swapping places but avoiding any contact (Take note, Lewis and Felipe). Post-race, it turned out JB’s KERS worked on and off, leaving him playing Russian Roulette every time he stuck the brakes on.

Webbo got a taste of what his team mate is well used to on lap 17, as Hamilton, Alonso and Button pitted together, leaving the Aussie briefly in the lead. It was a brave call for McLaren, as they had to service both their peddlers with no gap in-between.

Massa and Webber passed and re-passed each other on lap 31, whilst Maldonado did a very good impersonation of an utter spanner by ignoring enough blue flags (and lights the size of buses) that the stewards gave him a penalty for it.

Webber got past Button and his on/off KERS, but Mark still had to stop to use the hard tyres, whilst Jenson didn’t. Alonso had a slim chance to get past Hamilton during their final pit stops, but a slow tyre changed scuppered that, already faint, hope.

Massa did his best to entertain the troops with a late spin, and Webber’s last lap stop dropped him back behind Button at the end, but fair play to the lad – Hamilton drove a flawless lap, with pace to spare, for a comfortable win.

It seems all he needs is several months, a messy public split with his pop start girlfriend, multiple crashes with red cars, his Mum, a stupid beard and a whole lot of pouting, then he’s bang on form. Hurrah!

(Continuing the CD romp, tonight it's The Beatles again, with "Beatles For Sale", from 1964.)

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