No Champagne for Vettel, but Alonso's got sour grapes...

Wow. 2010 really was the season where anything could happen.

Going in to Abu Dhabi it looked like Alonso or Webber would be champion. I was even getting ready to brag about my post from February predicting that Alonso would be the happy man now, rather than the miserable git he clearly is. But more on that later...

Qualifying this race didn't throw up any major surprises, except for Petrov beating Kubica into the top 10. But it did signpost that thing weren't going Webber's way as he could only manage 5th on the grid whilst Vettel bagged yet another pole. Hamilton failed to spot Massa and gave us one of the TV moments of the year as he ran over a camera cunningly disguised as a bollard.

Race day couldn't have been more tense. As it turned out, the race would be too. With Hamilton away behind Vettel at the start, Button managed to jump Alonso for 3rd , just in time for Liuzzi to have yet another DNF courtesy of the sort of parking you see from little old ladies during shock TV reports. Schumi is one lucky bunny, and now has a very good idea what the inside of a Force India looks like.

Quite a few drivers dived for the pits to get their tyre change out of the way whilst the safety car made yet another appearance (I hope they're on a cash-for-laps payment scheme this year) whilst the most expensive track ever got it's staff to use brooms and cement dust to tidy up.

Vettel cheekily slowed right down as the SC let him lead before the restart, forcing Hamilton to back off and giving Seb a breathing space as they got back to racing. Stuck in 5th behind Alonso, Webber needed something to improve his lot, so gambled on an early stop. Fearing this might give him the jump on them, Ferrari pitted Alonso too. For those two, the championship suddenly went very, very wrong.

They rejoined behind Petrov, who, for once, was keeping it on the road most impressively. So impressively, in fact, that the 2-times world champ couldn't find a way past him. Webber could do nothing about Alonso either. Button was out front after Hamilton pitted for tyres and to allow the team to investigate a whining noise. It turned out to be from inside Lewis's helmet. Specifically, Lewis complaining as usual about tyres, balance, why Take That are better than Westlife, how it's not fair that Jenson is taller than him and just about everything else.

Jenson couldn't pit until Kubica did, or risk losing the place, and after they had finally stopped playing dare, Seb was heading for the win and remarkably the title, as Rosberg, Kubica and Petrov were all ahead of Alonso and Webber.

Jonathan Legard proved his increasing inability to actually see what's happening, brilliantly reporting that a piece had fallen off Trulli's front wing, whilst we had all watched Jarno's rear wing collapse. To compound his, he later noted that the Lotus driver was in the pits and said "I wonder if they'll send him out again". Er.... no.

As an emotional Vettel went all squeaky on the radio, the gallant loser Alonso was busy shaking his fist at Petrov. Fernando, you great big, petulant, miserable, whingey git. Again. (Speculation is rife that Fernando will be disqualified anyway, as his car was underweight because of all the toys he's thrown out of it recently.)

And so the man who hadn't lead the championship all year becomes the youngest world champ ever, at just 23. Congratulations Seb. I'm guessing it won't be the last either. Shame the podium celebration was less than fizzy...

So now we have to wait 119 days until the first race of 2011, when 5 world champions battle it out. Can next year be as exciting as this one? God, I hope so...

And now, a plea from Jenwis Hamilbutton:

"Dear BBC, thanks for another great year of coverage. It was a joy to watch the build-up and post-race coverage. Jake, DC and EJ are highly entertaining, and Martin Brundle is brilliantly insightful, dryly witty and brilliantly able to sum up what's going on. Well done.

Here's the thing though: Legard is a liability who can't see what's going on, wrongly identifies drivers and gets so over-excited he fails to spot stuff everyone watching has already seen. OK, Murray used to do that too, but he was MURRAY for God's sake.

Please ask that pit-lane bimbo to think of some way of wording a question that doesn't start with "So just tell us what happened" and please, please don't let EJ interview anyone important again. Ever. He basically got hold of that Red Bull chappy (Matchiesticks, or whatever he's called) and told him his was fab, without actually asking him anything. Jaysus."

(Right now, Alanis Morissette is a Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie on my stereo.)

Making an exhibition of yourself

Now and again, it’s good to reaffirm that you’re a (relatively) normal human being. One excellent way of doing this is to go to a business exhibition. Despite what you might have surmised from reading my previous columns, I am employable, and even capable of acting like a regular person most of the time, even joining in the Monday morning conversation about the weather over the weekend, and why (insert name of footyballs manager here) should be fired immediately. The mug! True, there are times, often involving a caffeine deficiency, where it is like having the distilled essence of ten moody teenagers in the room, but I try and get that out of the way when people I genuinely like aren’t around to see it. As part of my ongoing experiment with what others call ‘working’, my ‘job’ involves me occasionally needing to go and see what some of my colleagues get up to outside the office, and what our competitors do to try and make sure that they do whatever my colleagues do better than ...

Unstable Stables: Throw away the key

It’s comforting to know that there is one less threat to the people of Cumbria this week, following the conviction of white supremacist, Ethan Stables. The 20 year old from Barrow had planned to attack the town’s New Empire pub in June 2017, in the midst of a gay pride event. Despite social media posts saying he was “going to war” and planning to “slaughter”, online searches about how to make bombs and chemical poisons, and expressing hatred of Muslims, Jews and gay people, he claimed his online comments were merely to impress far-right friends. Fortunately, following Facebook posts about his intentions, the police were tipped off and armed officers intercepted him as he headed towards the pub. His aim was to kill anyone he found, with a machete. In a bizarre slip-up, Stables had erroneously added an innocent woman to his neo-Nazi Facebook group. When he vented his outrage at the Furness LGBT support group’s event, the shocked woman contacted the authorities. He’ll have ple...

Is it foggy? No.

When I get put in charge (which is bound to happen soon), I'm going to introduce a whole raft of new laws, for I shall be a just and fair ruler. I'm quite liking the title of 'Most Marvellous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome', but it might be a bit long. On that basis, I'll settle for the more informal 'He Who Is Smashing' from my loyal subjects. Anyway, I digress. I do that sometimes - had you noticed? Here, then, is the first law that will introduced: grumpyf1 law No.1 - Turn your fog lights off, you complete git. Don't get me wrong; If it genuinely is foggy, fog lights are quite handy. The reason for introduction of this law is because 96% of the time (based on my own in-depth research) it isn't foggy when some utter cockwomble blinds you. This has always been a bit of a problem but in the last couple of years it seems to have escalated out of control, possibly because of the...

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