Skip to main content

Beans

Image
By

Nuts.

I'm going to a wedding in August. Or maybe September. Crap - I really should check that, shouldn't I?

Anyway, yesterday I dug out my suit and tried it on. It seems to have shrunk a fair bit whilst hanging up. Because of this, I now need to lose some weight so that I can fit in it again without turning purple and passing out, as I'm making a wild guess that this wouldn't be popular in a wedding environment, and might detract from the bride & groom's big day.

Whilst pondering my options today (which are generally pretty bleak - it seems you actually have to eat less AND do excercise if you want to lose weight) it was suggested to me by Mrs Hamilbutton that I have beans in my salad. Those nasty, powdery, disgusting, putrid, vomit-inducing, vile, hideous, repulsive, crappy red kidney bean things.

For some reason, a fascinating mental image appeared in my mind of a row of the little red gits lined up along the edge of the worktop in the kitchen and me whilstling a happy little tune whilst sending them to bean hell with a hammer, one at a time.

Worrying, isn't it?

So. No beans then. I'll have to think of something else. Any suggestions?

(JLH now seems to have some Ground Hog Blues. Nasty.)
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Faking it for real

By
As Donald “I’m really great, everybody says so” Trump is so fond of pointing out, there is a lot of fake news around nowadays. Honest. Your friends at Facebook think so too, and have recently been publishing their top tips for spotting false news – by placing them as ads in newspapers. Considering they came in for considerable criticism themselves, that’s like shouting “Squirrel!” and pointing at a tree whilst you hastily kick away the prize begonias you just trampled. To help you make sense of this (and because I’m a caring person), I thought I’d run you through their suggestions and help to explain them for you. I know. I’m lovely. 1. Be sceptical of headlines READING THIS ARTICLE WILL IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE!!! And explain that catchy headlines, or stuff all in capitals might be a bit iffy. 2. Look closely at the URL You can find out more about this at www.wowyouregullible.com if you want to understand how phony web addresses are a sure sign of dodgyness. 3. Investigate...
Post a Comment
Read more

Going Underground

By
The US presidential election and Brexit must have made me more nervous than I’d realised. It seems I’ve created an underground bunker without realising I was doing it. Still – we’ve all done that at some point, right? No? Ah... In that case, the fact that I have inadvertently turned my cellar into a rudimentary survival shelter, just in case it all kicks off, demonstrates a severe case of bunker mentality. Fretting about Donald and his wall, and Hillary and her emails, clearly made me more paranoid that I thought about the possibility of WW3 kicking off. Whilst attempting to find a specific size of imperial washer the other day (turns out I’d mis-filed it in the nut cabinet – Tsk!) I was struck by what a lot of jam and chutney we have in the cellar. And I do mean a LOT. There are boxes of boiled-up sugar and fruit and more boxes of boiled up vinegar and fruit. We’re still only part way through 2015’s output too. Then there’s the plastic containers holding pasta in various for...
Post a Comment
Read more

When in Rome...

By
...have a Grand Prix. Seems that the idea of a street race around Rome is on the cards. That'd be pretty exciting, wouldn't it? Any other suggestions? Basingstoke? Didcot? Reading? "And here's Alonso on Broad Street, just past Heelas and getting dangerously close to the Marks & Sparks cardigan display".... No? OK then. (More MP3 toons - Enigma "La Puerta Del Cieulu")
Post a Comment
Read more