Cumbria’s Keystone Cops and the Big Bang

You’re having a bad day when you’re taken ill suddenly. What could make it worse? Maybe the police having your car blown up?

I really feel for the poor guy who was taken ill in Workington recently. Helpfully, the police kindly looked after his car and took it back to the station.

So far, so good. Unfortunately, by the next morning they’d forgotten about it due to an “internal communication error” and spotting “suspicious objects” within decided to be on the safe side and call out the artillery.

Evacuating the station, closing the A596 and putting a 100m cordon in place, they carried out a controlled explosion on the vehicle. I’m making a wild guess here, but the local police getting a bomb disposal team to blow up your car probably affects your no claims discount adversely.

In a wonderful example of hiding your mistake inside a complicated sentence, following the unnecessary detonation of the innocent Vauxhall Corsa the aftermath of this high-drama moment was beautifully described by a spokesman thus: “...the vehicle was searched and the suspicions were negated”.

By which I assume they mean “We got a dustpan and brush, couldn’t find anything dodgy and then realised the only danger here is to our chances of being viewed as competent”.

Do you think there was an officer at home the previous evening, watching Corrie and thinking “I’m sure there was something I was meant to tell the next shift...”? Still, the police have apologised to the unfortunate owner who, if he didn’t feel sick before, almost certainly does now.

I’d imagine listening to the call at Workington police station afterwards sounded something like this:

“Good morning – Workington police station, how can I help you? Mr...? Oh... right, yes. How are you feeling now? Better? Good. You’d like to come and pick your Corsa up? *cough* Yes, of course. Now?! Uh... right. Can I suggest that whoever drops you off waits for you? And can you bring some heavy duty bin bags..?”

“Sir? Sir? Hello..? Sarge, I think we need an Ambulance...”

Still, we’ve all forgotten something important at some point. I’m at that stage in life where I go into a room and forget what day of the week it is, so I can hardly talk. On the bright side, no-one was hurt, the bomb disposal team had a fun day out, and a spokesman got to write some important sounding stuff like “The Constabulary will review this incident and take on board any learning” when they really mean “Oopsie. My bad.”

At least it sends out a strong message to Workington’s wrong-uns; Mess with the boys and girls in blue round here, and you’ll find yourself in an explosive situation. Light our blue touchpaper and you’ll find out we’re dynamite on crime. We’ve got a short fuse for law-breaking.

I’m done with the bad explosives puns now. Carry on. Hmm... where did I park my car..?

This post first appeared as my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 10th of February 2017. Whilst the version online retained my suggested title, the print edition dropped the (admittedly somewhat obscure) b&w silent films reference, and went with "That bang's out of order!" Clever. Liking that.

Surprisingly, the page 2 teaser carried the entire first paragraph, in a font so small they should probably have issued a free microscope with each copy of the paper.

This one pretty much wrote itself. What a marvellous cock-up of a story. So embarrassing was it, that it made quite of few of the national papers, although I did notice that they has pretty much copied the NWEM's report word for word. Cheeky.

Of course, I'm now fully expecting to be pulled over by the local constabulary at regular intervals, for compounding their misery.

"Your back light doesn't appear to be working, sir."

"Yes it is!"

*smash*

"See what I mean, sir?"

*Ulp...*

(CD A-Z on hold for the new, and wonderfully indulgent, 3 CD set "Top of the Pops 1980-1984". Oh, yes...)

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