What’s in a name?

Wait... is this Strictly Front Room?

Some days, when faced with random stupidity, I can just shrug my shoulders, sigh, and get on with all the important things in life – like eating HobNobs, enjoying a Scottish person say “Curly Wurly” or pondering the bleak reality of my existence.

This week, one of those annoying stories hit Peak Stupid. According to an article on the BBC’s news website, the BBC (irony klaxon!) are telling a Dance Teacher that she has to re-name her dance group, as Strictly Curved might mislead people into thinking it’s something to do with their spangly, over-the-top, dance-fest, Strictly Come Dancing.

Yes, a 50 year old lady from Essex, Teresa Brady, is being told she must stop using the name for her classes, “dedicated to people with curves and a fuller figure”, or risk a financially ruinous court battle with the media behemoth.

The Beeb say they’re “fully supportive of someone running dance classes” – how very generous of them – but believe it’s “important the public isn’t misled and don’t mix up an independent dance business with something endorsed by the BBC.”

I’m a big admirer of the BBC, but on this occasion they’re bang out of order. Who’s going to think a dance class in Basildon for those with fuller figures is endorsed by the BBC? A TV show that’s hugely popular worldwide, and a small dance class led by a size 24 instructor... I thinks it’s pretty hard to confuse those.

Whatever next? Will Corrie’s makers be suing the local curry house for selling Coronation Chicken?

I’m concerned that this litigious attitude might affect some of my own business ideas. My plans for a water-based cookery course in the local area, called The Great British Lake Off, could be in doubt, along with the review programme I was pondering, fronted by three middle-aged men test-driving flashy motorboats, Top Mere.

And who’s going to want to invest in my marriage resurrection company, where I show divorced couples why their former partner is so special? The Ex Factor looks doomed. I’m similarly concerned about my Pontiff rating service, Top Of The Popes.

Still, I’m pretty sure Teresa would be OK if she changed the focus of her classes to be more about having a boogie on a nice soft surface – I doubt anyone is going to get vexed about Dancing On Rice. Alternatively, she could just call her dance class The Brady Bunch.

This post first appeared as my "A wry look at the week" column, in The Mail, on Friday the 28th of September 2018, where it was re-titled as "Stop world, I want to get off!" The version used on their website got a different title again, becoming "The world has gone mad!".

Ah, that's more like it. A nice, easy bit of me grumbling about officiousness and OTT responses. Plus, I got to bung in loads of punning names for business ideas/TV shows. Happy days.

This might not mean much to you, but this was the last column typed up at my trusty old cheap pine desk. New desk, new lamp (shiny metal, rather than the free plastic one I had previously) and new chair. I'll try not to let it go to my head.

(CD A-Z: 12" 80s Electro:Pop. Funky.)