A life less linear

Big news as we plunge, screaming, towards a Brexity, Trumpy, 2017 with no idea how to stop - I’m obsolete. Technology has finally beaten me.

It was inevitable, really. I’ve previously stated that people who don’t file their music alphabetically (by surname) are destroying the very fabric of civilised society. I’ve no desire to Snapchat. There’s still a radio/cassette player in our kitchen that is ‘digital’ in that you have to use your fingers to press the buttons.

I’m trying hard to adapt to the fast-changing, technological, future that’s bunging a new and baffling development in my direction on a daily basis.

For instance, we recently got one of those TV stick gadgets that allows you to stream programmes via the internet. Very clever. Unfortunately, I keep forgetting about it. You can’t see it, the remote is so small it’s hard to find and none of the programmes are in the TV guide that we buy each week, then circle what we want to watch with a biro.

There are masses of TV shows I can watch a whole series of in one sitting, if I fancy it. It’s like going into a sweetshop and eating all the chocolate bars in one go – it sounds great, if feels good for a while, and then you start feeling a bit weird and dizzy.

Even worse, as we’ve decided to replace our ageing car, it turns out more recent ones only have a digital radio and USB port. It seems like yesterday that I argued with a dealership about how I wanted a tape deck in my one and only ever new car, when it came with a new-fangled CD player.

Now I can’t even have that. If I want to listen to my own music, I’ll have to download an app to my phone, connect it with a USB cable, or Bluetooth, and play it from that. My phone has pretty good memory capacity, but I don’t think it’ll hold all my 1681 CDs.

I’m not sure I even know how to make it play all of an album in order. It’s permanently on shuffle, which makes listening to concept albums a frustrating experience.

Currently, I jump in the car, pop a CD in the slot and away we go. I’ll soon have to put the phone in the cradle, connect the USB cable, plug it in, open the app, and... well, it’s all a bit hypothetical after that.

All I really want for Christmas is to be able to shove something physical into a slot and have the Electric Light Orchestra come out of the speakers, without the need for a degree in programming and the type of technology astronauts use.

And finally...

Thank you for not bombarding the North West Evening Mail with requests to have me removed for another year – you’re really rather lovely. A very Happy Christmas to you and yours.

See you in the weird gap before New Year where the mince pie allergy kicks in.

This post first appeared as my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 23rd of December, 2016. The version used on their website was re-titled as "Technology has finally beaten me".

Hope you all had a lovely Christmas? We're currently attempting to cope with the shock brought about by the failure of our PVR box thing, taking with it a month's worth of stores programmes and the ability to record anything. We're actually having to watch programmes live, and miss some altogether. I. KNOW. At Christmas, too.

That CD count is now out of date too, thanks to Christmas presents. Now 1688...

(CD A-Z: Marillion's "Popular Music")

Faking it for real

As Donald “I’m really great, everybody says so” Trump is so fond of pointing out, there is a lot of fake news around nowadays. Honest. Your friends at Facebook think so too, and have recently been publishing their top tips for spotting false news – by placing them as ads in newspapers. Considering they came in for considerable criticism themselves, that’s like shouting “Squirrel!” and pointing at a tree whilst you hastily kick away the prize begonias you just trampled. To help you make sense of this (and because I’m a caring person), I thought I’d run you through their suggestions and help to explain them for you. I know. I’m lovely. 1. Be sceptical of headlines READING THIS ARTICLE WILL IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE!!! And explain that catchy headlines, or stuff all in capitals might be a bit iffy. 2. Look closely at the URL You can find out more about this at www.wowyouregullible.com if you want to understand how phony web addresses are a sure sign of dodgyness. 3. Investigate...

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When in Rome...

...have a Grand Prix. Seems that the idea of a street race around Rome is on the cards. That'd be pretty exciting, wouldn't it? Any other suggestions? Basingstoke? Didcot? Reading? "And here's Alonso on Broad Street, just past Heelas and getting dangerously close to the Marks & Sparks cardigan display".... No? OK then. (More MP3 toons - Enigma "La Puerta Del Cieulu")

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