Welcome to The Great British Bluff Off

GBBOpocalypse, by the brilliant @jimllpaintit

In case you’ve been asleep since 2009, there’s this rather successful baking TV show and everyone’s really upset about it changing channels. Confused? I can help...

BBC1’s monstrously successful baking-in-a-tent-with-double-entendres competition, The Great British Bake Off (or GBBO as it’s legion of oven-obsessed fans call it) has been hitting the headlines recently.

Currently mid-way through it’s seventh series for The Beeb, devotees have tears running down their baps following the announcement that it’s producers are selling it to Channel 4 after a reputed £75m deal was baked-up. That’s a lot of dough, and presenters Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins have sensationally decided not to follow the money, along with judge Mary Berry.

Her fellow judge, Paul Hollywood, announced on Thursday that he was switching channels, but the icing on the cake for this story could yet be that Channel 4 have basically pastry-forked out for a large, empty, tent and 50 year-old obsessed with flour.

Still none the wiser? If the thought of an hour of innuendo that would make Julian Clary blush, members of the public staring, terrified, into an oven and a lovely old lady smiling benignly whilst a Silver Fox scares everyone is too much for you, then here’s your handy Bake Off Bluffers Guide. Use it in the office next Thursday morning and blend seamlessly in with the GBBO banter, without looking your usual half-baked, limp-biscuit, self.

Ooh, cheeky!: Using phrases like “It’s got to be risen and rested before it goes in”, “That’s beautifully moist” or “I’m ganaching my buns” will help you to enter the inner circle of GBBO conversation. In an emergency, fall back on “Soggy Bottom!” and bask in the warm glow of shared understanding.

Contestants: Helpful if you know their names, but not essential. Describing them as “Lovely older lady”, “Camp guy”, “Hipster genius”, “Rabbit in the headlights” or “Polly Perfect” should get you by.

Mel & Sue: Genial hosts, carefully crafting well-defined layers of thinly-veiled smut. Do say “Oh, it just won’t be the same without them”. Don’t say “Which one’s which?”

Paul Hollywood: Steely-blue eyed bun-fondler and judge. Strikes fear into the hearts of contestants, strong hands and good kneading action endear him to the ladies. Do say “It’s over-worked”. Don’t say “How come he only puts his fingertips in his pockets?”

Mary Berry: Octogenarian Queen of Cakes and judge. Warm, no-nonsense, caring and a late bloomer, only hitting the big time aged 74. Do say “Aw, isn’t Mary lovely!” A lot. Don’t say “My Nan makes better fairy cakes”.

The Challenges: There’s a Signature, Showstopper and a Technical. Escape a difficult conversation by mentioning ‘BinGate’, or simply saying “I just knew it was going to collapse” and laughing.

Channel 4: At this point, tut like you life depends on it. You can always throw in Twitter user @cloudavies’s brilliant “It’s fine. Nothing will actually happen until Mary Berry triggers Arctic Roll 50” if you’re feeling particularly confident.

Right. I’m off to put my apron on and practice pinching my bottom to see how firm it is.

This post may have appeared as my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 23rd of September 2016. Hope so, but still no sign of a print copy for 4 weeks now. I have made contact though, so hopefully that might be about to change.

In a continuing affirmation of why I don't normally write anything topical, I'd submitted this on Wednesday night as usual, only to read during my lunch break on Thursday that Berry & Hollywood had confirmed if they were following the show to Channel 4 or not.

Just realised - I should have titled this "The Great British Fake Off". Gah.

With sandwich in hand, I had to hastily edit it and resubmit it. As the deadline for submission is lunchtime on Thursday, I've no idea if I made it in time... and I got chutney in my keyboard. This is not a euphemism.

(CD A-Z: J for Jean-Michel Jarre, and the very strange soundtrack to the film "Les Granges Brulees"...)