(National) Parklife

What’s a columnist to do when the Lake District National Park expands? Re-word a Britpop anthem, obviously.

If you’ve never heard Blur’s ‘Parklife’: a) You should – it’s great b) This isn’t going to make any sense at all. In honour of the Lake District getting a bit bigger this week, I’ve done what anyone would do under the circumstances, and changed the lyrics to fit the occasion.

Sorry, Blur...

Oi!
Expansion is a preference for the Cumbrian area of what is known as the National
Parklife
The A591’s the best route straight through what is known as
Parklife
Lake District just got 3% bigger, that’s 27 more square miles to love of hills and fells
Parklife
You can go out marching, head on down to Sizergh mate, get some exercise

Loads more people
300 people
They all now live inside
Side-by-side in their parklife
Know what I mean?

Lyth Valley’s open (except when flooded) where I get truly amazed by all the damsons
Parklife
I put my boots on, have a cup of tea and I think about Helsington Barrows
Parklife
I feed the Red Kites, I sometimes feed Bownessie too
Beatrix Potter brings the tourists in
Parklife
And then I'm happy, full of Kendal Mint Cake, there will always be a filling or two devoted to it

Loads more people
300 people
They all now live inside
Side-by-side in their parklife

Parklife
(National)
Parklife
(National)

It's got nothing to do with your Yorkshire Dales extension, you know?
Parklife (Parklife)
And it's not about the dry stones walls that go round and round and round
(Parklife) Parklife

Loads more people
300 people
They all now live inside
Lake District National… parklife

This post first appeared as my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 5th of August 2016, where it was retitled as 'This column's just a walk in the park (life)'. It even featured a picture of the band with the caption "Its a Blur - Damon Albarn and chums"... probably because it was too short!

It'll help if you watch this, ignore the words onscreen, but read the column in you head at the same time...

As I wrote this, I became increasingly concerned that the paper would reject it as simply too weird. So, I took the unusual step of submitting it on Monday, and asking just that question, so I'd have time to write something more conventional if they weren't up for it.

No-one replied, so I re-sent it on Wednesday evening (deadline is Thursday lunchtime, but work means I effectively have to submit the night before) on the assumption there were no objections, and held my breath.

I did seriously consider filming myself performing this and putting it on Youtube, but there's enough misery in the world as it is, without me adding to it with my face, dreadful impersonation of a cockney accent (although I guess I should have considered doing it in a Cumbrian one, which would have maximised the offence) etc. Plus, do I really want that to be my legacy? Imagine if I went for a job interview, and they said "We looked you up on the internet, and found this..."

Anyway, in case all this has spoiled a genuinely great song for you, watch Blur's original below...

Now that's better, isn't it? Parklife!

(CD A-Z: An Eddy Grant compilation, called "Hits From The Frontline".)

A very modern malady

Hello. I’m Doctor Grenville, and I’m here today to talk to you about SSS – or “Sad Selfie Syndrome”, to give it it’s full medical name. I’m a fully qualified medical doctor thing – I’ve got a PhD from Queens University Academy College Kendal (or “QUACK” for short) to prove it. That means it’s OK for me to talk to you about a very sensitive subject today and stroke your knee. Soothing, no? In my many years of medicinalising practice, I’ve come across some terrible afflictions. I’ve seen Achey Breaky Heart, Kneesles (where you get an itchy rash on your kneecaps) and even a very rare case of the Mercedes Benz. But recently I started seeing shocking images, on social media, graphically showing the devastating results of SSS. If you haven’t heard of it before, you’ve almost certainly seen pictures of what happens to the victims, who are mostly under the age of 30. We’ve already come to understand the irrational, overwhelming need for some amongst this group to photograph everythin...

Faking it for real

As Donald “I’m really great, everybody says so” Trump is so fond of pointing out, there is a lot of fake news around nowadays. Honest. Your friends at Facebook think so too, and have recently been publishing their top tips for spotting false news – by placing them as ads in newspapers. Considering they came in for considerable criticism themselves, that’s like shouting “Squirrel!” and pointing at a tree whilst you hastily kick away the prize begonias you just trampled. To help you make sense of this (and because I’m a caring person), I thought I’d run you through their suggestions and help to explain them for you. I know. I’m lovely. 1. Be sceptical of headlines READING THIS ARTICLE WILL IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE!!! And explain that catchy headlines, or stuff all in capitals might be a bit iffy. 2. Look closely at the URL You can find out more about this at www.wowyouregullible.com if you want to understand how phony web addresses are a sure sign of dodgyness. 3. Investigate...

Fantasy Formula 1 - Hungary Results

Sometimes there's a wonderful "huh?" moment in F1. Today's was when the lights didn't go to red at the start, but flashed green and yellow. I'm sure all the drivers are briefed, and everyone knows the drill, but they all just sat there - no-one wanted to be the first to move. In the most high-tech sport in the world, it took Charlie Whiting waving at them to make them go. To be honest, it wasn't the most thrilling of races, but Happy Hamilton "The slow boys won't get out of my way! It's not fair! Boohoohooo - I'm telling Charlie!" winning does mean the front end of the points table still looks deliciously tight. What we really need now, as the excitement level ramps up, is.... to take 5 weeks off. Dammit. Still, to keep you occupied, I want you to memorise the points you all scored today. It's easy to remember mine. I came last... RACE RESULT Position Name Point...

grumpyf1

Search This Blog