(National) Parklife

What’s a columnist to do when the Lake District National Park expands? Re-word a Britpop anthem, obviously.

If you’ve never heard Blur’s ‘Parklife’: a) You should – it’s great b) This isn’t going to make any sense at all. In honour of the Lake District getting a bit bigger this week, I’ve done what anyone would do under the circumstances, and changed the lyrics to fit the occasion.

Sorry, Blur...

Oi!
Expansion is a preference for the Cumbrian area of what is known as the National
Parklife
The A591’s the best route straight through what is known as
Parklife
Lake District just got 3% bigger, that’s 27 more square miles to love of hills and fells
Parklife
You can go out marching, head on down to Sizergh mate, get some exercise

Loads more people
300 people
They all now live inside
Side-by-side in their parklife
Know what I mean?

Lyth Valley’s open (except when flooded) where I get truly amazed by all the damsons
Parklife
I put my boots on, have a cup of tea and I think about Helsington Barrows
Parklife
I feed the Red Kites, I sometimes feed Bownessie too
Beatrix Potter brings the tourists in
Parklife
And then I'm happy, full of Kendal Mint Cake, there will always be a filling or two devoted to it

Loads more people
300 people
They all now live inside
Side-by-side in their parklife

Parklife
(National)
Parklife
(National)

It's got nothing to do with your Yorkshire Dales extension, you know?
Parklife (Parklife)
And it's not about the dry stones walls that go round and round and round
(Parklife) Parklife

Loads more people
300 people
They all now live inside
Lake District National… parklife

This post first appeared as my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 5th of August 2016, where it was retitled as 'This column's just a walk in the park (life)'. It even featured a picture of the band with the caption "Its a Blur - Damon Albarn and chums"... probably because it was too short!

It'll help if you watch this, ignore the words onscreen, but read the column in you head at the same time...

As I wrote this, I became increasingly concerned that the paper would reject it as simply too weird. So, I took the unusual step of submitting it on Monday, and asking just that question, so I'd have time to write something more conventional if they weren't up for it.

No-one replied, so I re-sent it on Wednesday evening (deadline is Thursday lunchtime, but work means I effectively have to submit the night before) on the assumption there were no objections, and held my breath.

I did seriously consider filming myself performing this and putting it on Youtube, but there's enough misery in the world as it is, without me adding to it with my face, dreadful impersonation of a cockney accent (although I guess I should have considered doing it in a Cumbrian one, which would have maximised the offence) etc. Plus, do I really want that to be my legacy? Imagine if I went for a job interview, and they said "We looked you up on the internet, and found this..."

Anyway, in case all this has spoiled a genuinely great song for you, watch Blur's original below...

Now that's better, isn't it? Parklife!

(CD A-Z: An Eddy Grant compilation, called "Hits From The Frontline".)

Making an exhibition of yourself

Now and again, it’s good to reaffirm that you’re a (relatively) normal human being. One excellent way of doing this is to go to a business exhibition. Despite what you might have surmised from reading my previous columns, I am employable, and even capable of acting like a regular person most of the time, even joining in the Monday morning conversation about the weather over the weekend, and why (insert name of footyballs manager here) should be fired immediately. The mug! True, there are times, often involving a caffeine deficiency, where it is like having the distilled essence of ten moody teenagers in the room, but I try and get that out of the way when people I genuinely like aren’t around to see it. As part of my ongoing experiment with what others call ‘working’, my ‘job’ involves me occasionally needing to go and see what some of my colleagues get up to outside the office, and what our competitors do to try and make sure that they do whatever my colleagues do better than ...

Unstable Stables: Throw away the key

It’s comforting to know that there is one less threat to the people of Cumbria this week, following the conviction of white supremacist, Ethan Stables. The 20 year old from Barrow had planned to attack the town’s New Empire pub in June 2017, in the midst of a gay pride event. Despite social media posts saying he was “going to war” and planning to “slaughter”, online searches about how to make bombs and chemical poisons, and expressing hatred of Muslims, Jews and gay people, he claimed his online comments were merely to impress far-right friends. Fortunately, following Facebook posts about his intentions, the police were tipped off and armed officers intercepted him as he headed towards the pub. His aim was to kill anyone he found, with a machete. In a bizarre slip-up, Stables had erroneously added an innocent woman to his neo-Nazi Facebook group. When he vented his outrage at the Furness LGBT support group’s event, the shocked woman contacted the authorities. He’ll have ple...

Is it foggy? No.

When I get put in charge (which is bound to happen soon), I'm going to introduce a whole raft of new laws, for I shall be a just and fair ruler. I'm quite liking the title of 'Most Marvellous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome', but it might be a bit long. On that basis, I'll settle for the more informal 'He Who Is Smashing' from my loyal subjects. Anyway, I digress. I do that sometimes - had you noticed? Here, then, is the first law that will introduced: grumpyf1 law No.1 - Turn your fog lights off, you complete git. Don't get me wrong; If it genuinely is foggy, fog lights are quite handy. The reason for introduction of this law is because 96% of the time (based on my own in-depth research) it isn't foggy when some utter cockwomble blinds you. This has always been a bit of a problem but in the last couple of years it seems to have escalated out of control, possibly because of the...

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