(National) Parklife

What’s a columnist to do when the Lake District National Park expands? Re-word a Britpop anthem, obviously.

If you’ve never heard Blur’s ‘Parklife’: a) You should – it’s great b) This isn’t going to make any sense at all. In honour of the Lake District getting a bit bigger this week, I’ve done what anyone would do under the circumstances, and changed the lyrics to fit the occasion.

Sorry, Blur...

Oi!
Expansion is a preference for the Cumbrian area of what is known as the National
Parklife
The A591’s the best route straight through what is known as
Parklife
Lake District just got 3% bigger, that’s 27 more square miles to love of hills and fells
Parklife
You can go out marching, head on down to Sizergh mate, get some exercise

Loads more people
300 people
They all now live inside
Side-by-side in their parklife
Know what I mean?

Lyth Valley’s open (except when flooded) where I get truly amazed by all the damsons
Parklife
I put my boots on, have a cup of tea and I think about Helsington Barrows
Parklife
I feed the Red Kites, I sometimes feed Bownessie too
Beatrix Potter brings the tourists in
Parklife
And then I'm happy, full of Kendal Mint Cake, there will always be a filling or two devoted to it

Loads more people
300 people
They all now live inside
Side-by-side in their parklife

Parklife
(National)
Parklife
(National)

It's got nothing to do with your Yorkshire Dales extension, you know?
Parklife (Parklife)
And it's not about the dry stones walls that go round and round and round
(Parklife) Parklife

Loads more people
300 people
They all now live inside
Lake District National… parklife

This post first appeared as my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 5th of August 2016, where it was retitled as 'This column's just a walk in the park (life)'. It even featured a picture of the band with the caption "Its a Blur - Damon Albarn and chums"... probably because it was too short!

It'll help if you watch this, ignore the words onscreen, but read the column in you head at the same time...

As I wrote this, I became increasingly concerned that the paper would reject it as simply too weird. So, I took the unusual step of submitting it on Monday, and asking just that question, so I'd have time to write something more conventional if they weren't up for it.

No-one replied, so I re-sent it on Wednesday evening (deadline is Thursday lunchtime, but work means I effectively have to submit the night before) on the assumption there were no objections, and held my breath.

I did seriously consider filming myself performing this and putting it on Youtube, but there's enough misery in the world as it is, without me adding to it with my face, dreadful impersonation of a cockney accent (although I guess I should have considered doing it in a Cumbrian one, which would have maximised the offence) etc. Plus, do I really want that to be my legacy? Imagine if I went for a job interview, and they said "We looked you up on the internet, and found this..."

Anyway, in case all this has spoiled a genuinely great song for you, watch Blur's original below...

Now that's better, isn't it? Parklife!

(CD A-Z: An Eddy Grant compilation, called "Hits From The Frontline".)

A fisful of change at the shops

A recent day out reminded me how much the retail experience has altered during my lifetime – and it’s not all good. I could stop typing this, and buy a fridge, in a matter of seconds. The shops are shut and it’s 9pm, but I could still place the order and arrange delivery. I haven’t got to wander round a white-goods retail emporium trying to work out which slightly different version of something that keeps my cider cold is better. It’ll be cheaper, too. But in amongst the convenience, endless choice and bargains, we’ve lost some of the personal, human, touches that used to make a trip to the shops something more than just a daily chore. Last weekend, we visited a local coastal town. Amongst the shops selling over-priced imported home accessories (who doesn’t need another roughly-hewn wooden heart, poorly painted and a bargain at £10?) was one that looked different. It’s window allowed you to see in, rather than being plastered with stick-on graphics and special offers calling ...

Making an exhibition of yourself

Now and again, it’s good to reaffirm that you’re a (relatively) normal human being. One excellent way of doing this is to go to a business exhibition. Despite what you might have surmised from reading my previous columns, I am employable, and even capable of acting like a regular person most of the time, even joining in the Monday morning conversation about the weather over the weekend, and why (insert name of footyballs manager here) should be fired immediately. The mug! True, there are times, often involving a caffeine deficiency, where it is like having the distilled essence of ten moody teenagers in the room, but I try and get that out of the way when people I genuinely like aren’t around to see it. As part of my ongoing experiment with what others call ‘working’, my ‘job’ involves me occasionally needing to go and see what some of my colleagues get up to outside the office, and what our competitors do to try and make sure that they do whatever my colleagues do better than ...

Shouting in the social media mirror

It was always tricky to fit everything you wanted into the intentionally short character count of Twitter, especially when, like me, you tend to write ridiculously long sentences that keep going on and on, with no discernible end in sight, until you start wondering what the point was in the first place. The maximum length of a text message originally limited a tweet to 140 characters, due to it being a common way to post your ramblings in Twitter’s early days. Ten years later, we’ve largely consigned texting to the tech dustbin, and after a lot of angst, the social media platform’s bigwigs have finally opted to double your ranting capacity to 280. Responses ranged from “You’ve ruined it! Closing my account!” to the far more common “Meh” of modern disinterest. As someone rightly pointed out, just because you have twice as much capacity doesn’t mean you actually have to use it. It is, of course, and excellent opportunity to use the English language correctly and include punctuat...

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