You’re only as old as the survey you take

This is my 200th column for this paper. According to a survey I took this week, I’m unlikely to reach 201...

Sat at my desk in the office at lunchtime recently, I saw a Tweet from the BBC with a link asking me “How does your lifestyle affect the age of your body?” and a link to an online test to help me discover the age of mine.

I know the age of my body. I have a birth certificate to prove it. Still, I’d been out for a brisk 6 mile walk just days before, and was consuming my healthy lunchtime salad, followed by an apple and some fromage frais.

So I felt comfortable that I’d get a result suggesting that my body, if not quite a temple, was at least a well-preserved place of interest, and definitely not a condemned building with severe structural problems.

Ten minutes of clicking later, I was in for a nasty surprise. It seems the bulldozers of doom will be here to demolish my dangerous abode at any moment. I’ve not even been cluttering up the planet for half a century yet, and the test reckons I have a body that’s the equivalent of 72.

72! On that basis, I might not even make it to the end of this column – I’m only half way through, and time appears to be desperately short. I may never get to swim with dolphins, become a Formula 1 driver or write that book I’ve been annoying friends and family about. Or even make it to dinner.

In fact, the additional stress induced by this shocking revelation may even now be pushing that age up even higher, in an escalating feedback loop of doom which will see me riding the celestial stair-lift to meet my maker before I finish typing this sentence.

Phew. Made it. Anyway, the test (which you can find at http://bbc.in/1QxJQFV) clearly highlighted the effect that having previously smoked for a couple of decades has had on me. Unfortunately, tweaking things that I can still do something about looks daunting.

Even if I immediately get a large pet, somehow avoid getting stressed, exercise every day, stop drinking, become an optimist, get my five a day every day, give up processed, salty, sugary and fatty foods, get lots of support from those around me and regularly fast, the very best I can do is come in at mid 40s.

Bearing in mind that stressing and being pessimistic are my reason for reluctantly getting out of bed in the morning, and even with a noticeable improvement on all other fronts (I’m still not getting an elephant), it’s likely I can manage mid 50s if I’m really determined, motivated, and commit to it.

Determination, motivation and commitment being three more things I’m routinely hopeless at.

So, goodbye cruel world. I’m off to sulk over a large bag of chips.

Hang on, can I retire now, then? Things are looking up.

This post (hopefully!) appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 15th of April 2016. I haven't got my copy in the post yet, and their Opinion website page still has my F1 season preview as the most recent piece.

Should everything have gone according to plan, this would indeed be my 200th published column (there was one they reckoned was libellous, which didn't get published), so quite a milestone for me. With a few Christmas/New Year/Exam results/Holiday gaps, that also means I'm just a couple of weeks away from 4 years, too. Cripes.

I really was expecting to get a result from this test that said I was around my actual age, physically. 72 was a nasty surprise, especially as I eat pretty well, do some exercise and hardly drink, plus quit smoking 7 years ago. Having said that, I do feel rougher than a bear's bum most days, so I guess it's pretty accurate. Dammit.

(CD A-Z: Still on E - musically, not the 90s happy pills - with Enigma's "Love Sensuality Devotion" Remix outing from... oh, look... 1991.)

Faking it for real

As Donald “I’m really great, everybody says so” Trump is so fond of pointing out, there is a lot of fake news around nowadays. Honest. Your friends at Facebook think so too, and have recently been publishing their top tips for spotting false news – by placing them as ads in newspapers. Considering they came in for considerable criticism themselves, that’s like shouting “Squirrel!” and pointing at a tree whilst you hastily kick away the prize begonias you just trampled. To help you make sense of this (and because I’m a caring person), I thought I’d run you through their suggestions and help to explain them for you. I know. I’m lovely. 1. Be sceptical of headlines READING THIS ARTICLE WILL IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE!!! And explain that catchy headlines, or stuff all in capitals might be a bit iffy. 2. Look closely at the URL You can find out more about this at www.wowyouregullible.com if you want to understand how phony web addresses are a sure sign of dodgyness. 3. Investigate...

Going Underground

The US presidential election and Brexit must have made me more nervous than I’d realised. It seems I’ve created an underground bunker without realising I was doing it. Still – we’ve all done that at some point, right? No? Ah... In that case, the fact that I have inadvertently turned my cellar into a rudimentary survival shelter, just in case it all kicks off, demonstrates a severe case of bunker mentality. Fretting about Donald and his wall, and Hillary and her emails, clearly made me more paranoid that I thought about the possibility of WW3 kicking off. Whilst attempting to find a specific size of imperial washer the other day (turns out I’d mis-filed it in the nut cabinet – Tsk!) I was struck by what a lot of jam and chutney we have in the cellar. And I do mean a LOT. There are boxes of boiled-up sugar and fruit and more boxes of boiled up vinegar and fruit. We’re still only part way through 2015’s output too. Then there’s the plastic containers holding pasta in various for...

Is it cold? Snow way...

Lunch out? Not unless you want snow balls... I’ve got a confession to make. Lean in a bit, because I’m going to whisper it. Bit more. Did you have curry for tea? OK, good. I’m a weather nerd. There, I said it. When I was growing up, I didn’t want to be an astronaut or a fireman – I wanted to present the weather on the TV. I was lining myself up for a career at the Met Office when, at about 18 years of age, I discovered I was allergic to studying. Anyway, despite a jam-packed and varied career over the subsequent years, I still have a fascination for the world of meteorology. I even have one of those clocks that projects the time and the external temperature onto the ceiling at night, so I can see how cold it is outside whilst lying awake worrying that I might have wasted my life and been more successful with girls if I’d been more into cars than clouds. So far this year, I’ve gazed at a chilly reading of -5C a couple of times, and been grateful for previous sensible ch...

grumpyf1

Search This Blog