You’re only as old as the survey you take

This is my 200th column for this paper. According to a survey I took this week, I’m unlikely to reach 201...

Sat at my desk in the office at lunchtime recently, I saw a Tweet from the BBC with a link asking me “How does your lifestyle affect the age of your body?” and a link to an online test to help me discover the age of mine.

I know the age of my body. I have a birth certificate to prove it. Still, I’d been out for a brisk 6 mile walk just days before, and was consuming my healthy lunchtime salad, followed by an apple and some fromage frais.

So I felt comfortable that I’d get a result suggesting that my body, if not quite a temple, was at least a well-preserved place of interest, and definitely not a condemned building with severe structural problems.

Ten minutes of clicking later, I was in for a nasty surprise. It seems the bulldozers of doom will be here to demolish my dangerous abode at any moment. I’ve not even been cluttering up the planet for half a century yet, and the test reckons I have a body that’s the equivalent of 72.

72! On that basis, I might not even make it to the end of this column – I’m only half way through, and time appears to be desperately short. I may never get to swim with dolphins, become a Formula 1 driver or write that book I’ve been annoying friends and family about. Or even make it to dinner.

In fact, the additional stress induced by this shocking revelation may even now be pushing that age up even higher, in an escalating feedback loop of doom which will see me riding the celestial stair-lift to meet my maker before I finish typing this sentence.

Phew. Made it. Anyway, the test (which you can find at http://bbc.in/1QxJQFV) clearly highlighted the effect that having previously smoked for a couple of decades has had on me. Unfortunately, tweaking things that I can still do something about looks daunting.

Even if I immediately get a large pet, somehow avoid getting stressed, exercise every day, stop drinking, become an optimist, get my five a day every day, give up processed, salty, sugary and fatty foods, get lots of support from those around me and regularly fast, the very best I can do is come in at mid 40s.

Bearing in mind that stressing and being pessimistic are my reason for reluctantly getting out of bed in the morning, and even with a noticeable improvement on all other fronts (I’m still not getting an elephant), it’s likely I can manage mid 50s if I’m really determined, motivated, and commit to it.

Determination, motivation and commitment being three more things I’m routinely hopeless at.

So, goodbye cruel world. I’m off to sulk over a large bag of chips.

Hang on, can I retire now, then? Things are looking up.

This post (hopefully!) appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 15th of April 2016. I haven't got my copy in the post yet, and their Opinion website page still has my F1 season preview as the most recent piece.

Should everything have gone according to plan, this would indeed be my 200th published column (there was one they reckoned was libellous, which didn't get published), so quite a milestone for me. With a few Christmas/New Year/Exam results/Holiday gaps, that also means I'm just a couple of weeks away from 4 years, too. Cripes.

I really was expecting to get a result from this test that said I was around my actual age, physically. 72 was a nasty surprise, especially as I eat pretty well, do some exercise and hardly drink, plus quit smoking 7 years ago. Having said that, I do feel rougher than a bear's bum most days, so I guess it's pretty accurate. Dammit.

(CD A-Z: Still on E - musically, not the 90s happy pills - with Enigma's "Love Sensuality Devotion" Remix outing from... oh, look... 1991.)

Making an exhibition of yourself

Now and again, it’s good to reaffirm that you’re a (relatively) normal human being. One excellent way of doing this is to go to a business exhibition. Despite what you might have surmised from reading my previous columns, I am employable, and even capable of acting like a regular person most of the time, even joining in the Monday morning conversation about the weather over the weekend, and why (insert name of footyballs manager here) should be fired immediately. The mug! True, there are times, often involving a caffeine deficiency, where it is like having the distilled essence of ten moody teenagers in the room, but I try and get that out of the way when people I genuinely like aren’t around to see it. As part of my ongoing experiment with what others call ‘working’, my ‘job’ involves me occasionally needing to go and see what some of my colleagues get up to outside the office, and what our competitors do to try and make sure that they do whatever my colleagues do better than ...

Unstable Stables: Throw away the key

It’s comforting to know that there is one less threat to the people of Cumbria this week, following the conviction of white supremacist, Ethan Stables. The 20 year old from Barrow had planned to attack the town’s New Empire pub in June 2017, in the midst of a gay pride event. Despite social media posts saying he was “going to war” and planning to “slaughter”, online searches about how to make bombs and chemical poisons, and expressing hatred of Muslims, Jews and gay people, he claimed his online comments were merely to impress far-right friends. Fortunately, following Facebook posts about his intentions, the police were tipped off and armed officers intercepted him as he headed towards the pub. His aim was to kill anyone he found, with a machete. In a bizarre slip-up, Stables had erroneously added an innocent woman to his neo-Nazi Facebook group. When he vented his outrage at the Furness LGBT support group’s event, the shocked woman contacted the authorities. He’ll have ple...

Is it foggy? No.

When I get put in charge (which is bound to happen soon), I'm going to introduce a whole raft of new laws, for I shall be a just and fair ruler. I'm quite liking the title of 'Most Marvellous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome', but it might be a bit long. On that basis, I'll settle for the more informal 'He Who Is Smashing' from my loyal subjects. Anyway, I digress. I do that sometimes - had you noticed? Here, then, is the first law that will introduced: grumpyf1 law No.1 - Turn your fog lights off, you complete git. Don't get me wrong; If it genuinely is foggy, fog lights are quite handy. The reason for introduction of this law is because 96% of the time (based on my own in-depth research) it isn't foggy when some utter cockwomble blinds you. This has always been a bit of a problem but in the last couple of years it seems to have escalated out of control, possibly because of the...

grumpyf1

Search This Blog