Train passengers want a better connection

When I was but a simple lad, train journeys were an adventure of I-Spy, crisps, conversation and maybe a book.

Now all we seem to want is a decent wifi connection.

It is already becoming difficult to remember a time before the “smart” phone, which alarmingly renders the era of mobile phones just being a calls and texts deal positively prehistoric.

So rapidly have we become used to the idea that you can read an email, check the latest sports headlines (we didn’t win the Worlds Cup thing, apparently), watch an amusing kitten-themed video, or beat someone you’ve never met’s high score on Candy Crush, that the mere thought of a connectivity dead-zone leaves us bewildered, with no concept how to function without a live pipeline into the beating heart of the internet.

Well, good news, web-heads! The nightmare of the signal dropping out on your train journey will soon(ish) be over. The government have announced plans to ensure a top-notch wifi signal on your choo-choo of choice, so that you can at least blank out the horror of the chap next to you eating cheese & onion crisps with his mouth open by tweeting your righteous annoyance to the world.

This won’t just be a good signal either. If the current supply on trains is the equivalent of that annoying niece squirting her pop at you through a straw, you are about to get hosed down by a fire engine of pure data.

10x the current speed is promised, which is all-important when you need your ‘LOL’ to get out into the world urgently. This data-deluge doesn’t come cheap, though. £90M has been earmarked for it, with £53M of that coming from the chunky fine levied on Network Rail for trains not arriving on time.

If taking a big load of money off the service provider, that they could have been spending to help ensure you weren’t late, seems a bit daft, then there is an up-side. When you take to your tablet to find out how late you’re going to be, the answer will come back so fast that you’ll have plenty of extra time to be disgruntled about the delay.

Instead of having to avoid making eye contact with a fellow passenger whilst your video loads, you’ll be able to jump straight in to the live news channel report about the decline of social interaction.

No longer will you have to endure the misery of looking out of the window at the fabulous countryside, urban landscape marvels, or fascinating weather conditions – there simply won’t be time.

It will be amazing! You may be about to miss your physical connection, but you won’t have to worry about the virtual one. Mind you, the chronic under-investment in the train network will probably mean you’ll be so crammed in that you won’t be able to move your arms enough to actually look at your phone.

At least you’ll be able to grumble to other afflicted commuters about it in person.

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 18th of July 2014 You can read the version used by the paper on their website here, where the titles was shorted to 'Passengers want better connection'.

If you want to know what it feels like to experience the regular drop-out of your connection, endless blank spots, painfully slow load times and regular error messages, then you can always try rural Cumbria instead of catching the train.

I'm usually pleasantly surprised how reliable and fast the connection is on a train compared to my local area. I think I saw an 'H' appear once in Arnside - probably when the wind was blowing the other way, or the signal bounced off  particularly porky seagull.

(Cultured soul that I am, I'm listening to the "Classic FM Royal Wedding Collection". I can now vanquish any notion you might have of my posh leanings, by letting you know that it came free with a Sunday newspaper.)