Losing the plot on Bank Holiday allotment frenzy

It seemed like a good idea at the time – spend the Bank Holiday weekend working at our allotment.

That’d be nice and relaxing, right?

THURSDAY: This is great! Take an extra day off to make sure we get as much done as possible. And the weather forecast is fab!

We should have got up here earlier. It all looks rather sad and neglected. Still, won’t take long to whip it into shape. Just need to clear a space in the undergrowth at the back for the new jumbo compost bin - it looks like a drab Dalek. Nice bit of exercise in the sun, what could be better!

FRIDAY: There appears to be a rubbish tip immediately under the surface, and I filled a couple of bags with bits of crumbling plastic sheeting, but at least I got those heavy slabs down, and the bin is in place. True, I did fill it with the stuff I had to clear to put it there, but it’ll compost down nicely.

Today I need to start digging out the old compost heap. The pallets used to construct it are completely rotten and.. Ooo! A Slow Worm! Cute! Just think, I could be stuck in a traffic jam trying to get somewhere on the M6.

SATURDAY: The old heap appears to have been designated some kind of sanctuary for Slow Worms. I had to gently move dozens of them before I could do anything, and every time I put the fork in, there was another one, plus some big, warty frogs too. I’ll be seeing those in my sleep.

What I thought was a large quantity of compost was about 70% wriggly things, 10% jumpy things, and 20% useable mulch (although it’s probably unwise to think about how much of that is wriggly/jumpy poo).

I’m sure Mrs G is here somewhere too. Possibly in the long undergrowth. Since I attempted to show her a Slow Worm close up, she seems a little wary of this end of the plot. Blimey – I ache.

SUNDAY: This is ridiculous! It appears that, under previous stewardship, this entire plot was carpeted. Everywhere I dig, I’m pulling out decaying strips of carpet. My arms hurt too now, from trying to yank it out of the ground.

I still haven’t cleared the old compost heap either. Overnight, the Slow Worms moved back in and appear to be putting up a fight against their forced eviction. The frogs are supporting them. Treacherous amphibian swines!

MONDAY: I didn’t know I had muscles there, let alone that they could hurt this much. I had nightmares last night, in which an army of Slow Worms threw me out of my house.

I could have gone somewhere nice for the weekend in the car. The odd queue would have been OK. At least I wouldn’t be covered in scratches and bites. Are those red things poisonous? I think I accidentally swallowed a bit. Whose idea was this anyway?

TUESDAY: Sweet, sweet rain. I love you.

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column in the North West Evening Mail on the 25th of April 2014. You can view the version used by the paper on their website here To my intense shock, when I did my usual word count I discovered that the NWEM's version was actually three words LONGER than my submitted text.

It turns out that, for some reason I can't quite visualise, they've used 'per cent' instead of the symbol. Huh...

The paper also dropped the reference to Bank Holiday from the title.

We returned to the allotment today. Weeds had already grown up through some of my carefully tended soil. Bastards. And when I attempted to pull up some pesky roots, my back started playing up. Allotments - they're good for your health, honestly.

(A break from the home-made compilation CDs tonight, whilst I listen to the final CD in a Gary Numan box set I got recently - Warriors. Oh, Gazza... what DO you look like on the cover, love.)