grumpyf1

It seemed like a good idea at the time – spend the Bank Holiday weekend working at our allotment. That’d be nice and relaxing, right? THURSDAY: This is great! Take an extra day off to make sure we get as much done as possible. And the weather forecast is fab! We should have got up here earlier. It all looks rather sad and neglected. Still, won’t take long to whip it into shape. Just need to clear a space in the undergrowth at the back for the new jumbo compost bin - it looks like a drab Dalek. Nice bit of exercise in the sun, what could be better! FRIDAY: There appears to be a rubbish tip immediately under the surface, and I filled a couple of bags with bits of crumbling plastic sheeting, but at least I got those heavy slabs down, and the bin is in place. True, I did fill it with the stuff I had to clear to put it there, but it’ll compost down nicely. Today I need to start digging out the old compost heap. The pallets used to construct it are completely rotten and.. Ooo! A...

It’s the age of self-publicity. With easy access to the web, we can all get our scribblings read by a potentially enormous audience. But does that make us all ‘writers’? It has been my honour to pen (if you can call it that when it involves fat fingers and a keyboard) this newspaper column for almost two years now. By my calculations, that means you’ve had to endure the alarming experience of more than 50,000 of our language’s finest words being haphazardly assembled into sentences, before appearing in your newspaper underneath a frightening picture of me, seemingly sternly watching you to make sure you read it. Read it! I can only apologise. Whilst I accept that that makes me a Columnist, I’m still embarrassed when anyone suggests that I am therefore, by extension, also a Writer. Awkward, that. Whilst Douglas Adams’ genius certainly classes him as “An artist of the written word” (as one definition has it), and Bill Shakespeare “Contributes significantly to the cultural cont...

A recent day out reminded me how much the retail experience has altered during my lifetime – and it’s not all good. I could stop typing this, and buy a fridge, in a matter of seconds. The shops are shut and it’s 9pm, but I could still place the order and arrange delivery. I haven’t got to wander round a white-goods retail emporium trying to work out which slightly different version of something that keeps my cider cold is better. It’ll be cheaper, too. But in amongst the convenience, endless choice and bargains, we’ve lost some of the personal, human, touches that used to make a trip to the shops something more than just a daily chore. Last weekend, we visited a local coastal town. Amongst the shops selling over-priced imported home accessories (who doesn’t need another roughly-hewn wooden heart, poorly painted and a bargain at £10?) was one that looked different. It’s window allowed you to see in, rather than being plastered with stick-on graphics and special offers calling ...

A local zoo boss has landed himself in hot water after an ill-advised late night rant against same-sex marriage on Facebook. South Lakes Wild Animal Park head honcho, David Gill, forgot Social Media rule 1 when he ventured online last weekend: If you’re posting something controversial, you’d better be prepared for a whole heap of very unreasonable abuse. Mr Gill rather foolishly decided to state his opposition to same-sex marriage online, typing “The end of the world is certainly nigh when nature is twisted and society accepts totally abnormal and anti-natural behaviours in humans.” “Am I on my own in feeling so disgusted at same-sex marriage? Keep it off my TV and out of my sight.” Wow. Ignoring for a second the fact that marriage is purely a social/religious construct, and nothing to do with nature being in any way twisted, at least he’s not being ambiguous about his feelings. Strangely, despite the inflammatory statement (which, considering his fairly high profile in the l...