Ever since they first started appearing a few years ago, I have been one of the stalwart, old-fashioned, types who stood up and declared that the onesie was the single biggest threat to humanity since Big Brother hit our TV screens.
For hundreds of years, this great nation has done perfectly well with a nice pair of pyjamas, or a nightie (depending on your gender, or preference. I find nighties get tangled up when I... We’ll move on, shall we?)
I suppose the thing about the onesie that really got to me was not the garment itself – if you want to wear an oversized baby-grow of man-made fibre in the privacy of your own home, that’s entirely up to you – but the fact that it has been seen outside of its intended environment, with people actually think its OK to wear them to the supermarket, or drop the kids off at school.
Its one short, fake-fibre enshrouded, step from that to the collapse of civilised society as we know it. I fully expect to see shocking scenes of riots in deprived urban areas on the news any day now, with hordes of rowdy youths looting stores, setting fire to cars and hurling bricks at the police, whilst dressed from head to toe in a synthetic fleecy material, in a terrifying maelstrom of disgusting colours and patterns.
It’s only fair, therefore, that I come clean and admit to having purchased one recently. I feel I can still hold my head up relatively high though, as I have subverted the concept by buying the most ridiculous one possible, with the sole intention of wearing it for a fundraising pyjama day at work.
True, it didn’t actually arrive in time, and I was pretty much upstaged by our head of HR in a jazzy pink fluffy thing, but I wasn’t going to let that deter me.
Delivered to work, I was able to join in the fun, just one day late, and unannounced. My outfit, which I suspect was designed with a 5 foot Japanese Cosplay enthusiast in mind, turned me so convincingly into a bat, I was able to swoop silently upon unsuspecting colleagues, rising silently up behind dividing screen, with my hoodie with a face, ears, and fangs on display, before stealthily spreading my red, felty, wings and vanishing mysteriously along the corridor.
Standing outside and slowly appearing at colleagues’ windows was also particularly effective, if you enjoy seeing people jump about a foot in the air. Which I did. Enormously.
Unbeknown to me, the large gap between the buttons down the front meant I was possibly displaying slightly more than just my sense of humour.
The unfair dismissal hearing is next month.
This post first appeared as my "Thank Grumpy it's Friday" column in the North West Evening Mail on the 25th of October 2013. They changed the title to "Giving in to the lure of the onesie", but otherwise left in unaltered - you can see it on their website here
I'm pleased that my outfit brought a smile to the faces of a few of my colleagues. Times are tough at the moment, and I've been wondering how much longer I might actually be there, so a moment of lightness made a nice change.
Amazingly, this is the 500th post on my blog. In the early days (nearly 4 years ago) I posted more frequently, and more about F1, and it's surprising to me how much things have changed in that time. Having finally stopped running my Fantasy Formula 1 competition after many years, and with the unforseen experience of writing a newspaper column, plus my joining of twitter, what I write about, when, and where, not to mention how much, has changed beyond recognition.
Many thank to everyone who continues to read what I post. Knowing someone is taking the time to read it is still a source of constant surprise to me.
(Fantastic 6 CD box set on the go at the moment, called "Best of the Eighties", which has big hits, but also some great tunes that didn't score as highly in the charts.)
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