Is it OK to panic now?

The terrifying, high-speed, derailment of a train carrying ridiculously volatile nuclear waste this week, shows just how... wait, what... 5mph? Oh.

On Monday, there was a slight derailment of a train somewhere between Roose (which I’m sure is what Jeff Lynne sings in ELO’s “Don’t Bring Me Down”) and Barrow. Travelling at a dizzying 5mph, the train was going almost twice the speed of the commuter trains that usually frequent the line. Although ‘frequent’ is something of a misnomer, as people have been known to miss their train, strike up a conversation with a fellow stranded passenger on the platform, fall in love, then go through a messy break up before the next scheduled train shows up.

What made this near-catastrophic event even more fear-inducing was that it was nuclear train! And here’s the really scary part – it was entirely free of any nuclear material whatsoever. This is all starting to sound like a 70s disaster movie, isn’t it? Yes, the flasks on board the train were empty, which leads to the very important question: Why would you need to keep nuclear waste in a thermos? I’m pretty sure it can keep warm on it’s own, even if you happened to be running significantly late for lunch (fission chips, maybe?), you’d still be fine – it should stay piping hot for about 10,000 years.

Couple this apocalyptic scenario, attended by all manner of emergency services, with Arnside’s tide warning siren sounding, and it’s a surprise no-one was crushed in the stampede to get out of Cumbria before Armageddon kicked off.

I understand that there were scenes of panic in Barrow, when a garbled radio message about a mushroom cloud was overheard. Luckily, it turned out to be a bored chap in a HazMat suit spotting a mushroom, and observing that it was a bit cloudy.

Surprisingly, given the potential for high numbers of fatalities, there were no reports of injury, which may have something to do with nuclear waste transportation being somewhat unpopular with your average commuter, especially when you have to share a table. And perhaps that an arthritic snail would have been moving faster.

Apparently the empty flasks came from Japan. I would have thought they probably needed them quite badly, unless they’re just tipping their radioactive waste into the sea... Oh. Right.

The only people to be inconvenienced by this were, once again, all the poor folk who trundle up the coast to get home, and found themselves faced with days of delays and bus replacement services, finding another way to get back, or going somewhere different altogether which, whist probably quite exciting, means you’d be so late for your tea, even a bowl of nuclear soup would be a bit chilly.

Still, we should be grateful. Imagine if a derailing train had slopped radioactive material onto some seagulls. Irradiated, airborne, harbingers of doom, cutting through your house with their laser-beam eyes, before pooping “waste” that could burn a hole through your house from roof to cellar, is an image that will keep me awake for weeks to come.

Or could I just be over-reacting a bit? Hang on – isn’t that where we came in..?

This post first appeared in my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column in the North West Evening Mail on the 20th of September 2013. You can view the edited version used by the paper here

Two paragraphs got the chop and are reinstated above: The panic in Barrow one (which was a bit lame) and the one about the flasks being from Japan, which even I admit was probably a tad insensitive. Combined, that was a whopping 77 words removed, although the column did get re-edited by me twice after I finished it Monday night, as the train delays continued as they tried to clear the line, and the additional fact about the flasks being from Japan emerged. Consequently, it was already a big porky by the time I submitted it. Serves me right, eh?

(Well, the musical A-Z of my compact disc collection has ended, and now I'm onto the compilation albums. First up, a 70s double album oddly titled "The Rock And Roll Decades: The Seventies" and featuring nothing you'd really define as such. Go figure.)