Indian GP - Not as spicy as expected

New track, exciting layout, great corners, dusty - on paper, the shiny new Indian GP should have been a belter.

Initial jitters and teething problems (multiple power failures, commentary boxes with no windows, dog caused red flagging of FP1) happily melted away in the 30C sunshine, but at least one thing was constant - Hamilton was in trouble with the F1 fuzz yet again, failing to slow down while yellow flags were being enthusiastically waved during practice, netting him a 3 place grid penalty, along with Perez. For Lewis, 2nd in quali became 5th on the grid, leaving a Red Bull lockout at the front, with Seb on pole again, followed by Webber, Alonso and Button.

Vettel scampered off at the start - that's all you really need to know about his race, as no-one got ahead of him for the duration. Jenson tried hard (as usual), but never got the gap down enough to mount a challenge.

Jenson passed Webber after the first few corners, whilst multiple shunts occurred down the cheaper end of the field. As Seb pulled gently away, Jenson struggled to keep the win-free Aussie behind. The pattern stayed the same for a fair while, until Lap 24....

Hamilton and Massa resumed their Hate/Hate relationship, as Felipe slammed the door shut on Lewis's attempt to pass, sending both drivers off-track, and removing expensive aero parts. A little surprisingly, the angry Brazilian was the one to get a penalty this time, ensuring that the air of mutual disrespect continues as the end of the season approaches.

Buemi was doing well and heading for a points finish when his Toro Rosso conked out, leaving body language interpreters with an easy job of figuring out how he felt. I though he was about to find a branch and launch into a Basil Fawlty vehicle thrashing impersonation. Good to see some enthusiasm, eh?

Massa's yet-another-crap day continued when his front wing appeared to have been manufactured from the same plastic you find surrounding biscuits in a Christmas selection box, so violently did it flex. Still, it didn't matter - he then made the same error he did in quali, and went so far over one of the kerbs, his wheel entered a different time zone, and his suspension collapsed faster than my diet when faced with a Creme Egg.

Concerns over the speed of the hard tyre had been put to rest by the time JB tried a sneaky undercut on lap 47, but Red Bull were once again flawless, bringing Herr Pointyfinger in straight away.

The Merc boys provided some light relief in the last 10 laps, as Schumi and Britney raced each other, but nothing much came of it.

Which is pretty much how you'd describe the whole race, really. A simple victory for Seb, a great drive by Jenson, respectable finishes for Alonso and Webber, and Massa and Hamilton contesting the same piece of track again. Ah well. Maybe next year, eh?

Red Bull and Vettel busted some more records for good measure too - Most poles in a season, equalling the most poles by one driver, and beating Mansell's record of most laps led in a season.

At least McLaren has the satisfaction of securing second in the championship.

The final word must go to Eddie Jordan though, who was in fine, baffling, form this weekend: "Every door I open is poised with problems".

Thanks, EJ. Couldn't have said it better myself.

(Still listening to that Joan Armatrading best of. I'm Lucky.)

Malaysian Grand Prix - Vettel hot, but not bothered

Malaysia. It's always hot, and it always rains. Except the 2nd part is no longer true (unless you count the drizzly bit around lap 14). Saturday's qualifying session had highlighted the fact that Red Bull and McLaren seemed well matched on pace, but also that Ferrari were struggling. Whilst Vettel bagged another pole, followed by Hamilton, Webber and Button, Alonso was only 5th, and Massa 7th, with Nick Heidfeld an excellent 6th on the grid between the two red cars. At this point, I would like to break momentarily for a small rant: How many times do I have to say Heidfeld is good? Why wasn't he given a top drive years ago? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU BLIND!!!?? Ahem. The Hispanias somehow managed to a) turn up b) remember to bring cars c) get both of them on the track d) actually get both of them within 107%. Pretty remarkable really. Oh, and it didn't rain. Race day looked a more likely candidate for a drop of the wet stuff. The start was exciting, with...

Faking it for real

As Donald “I’m really great, everybody says so” Trump is so fond of pointing out, there is a lot of fake news around nowadays. Honest. Your friends at Facebook think so too, and have recently been publishing their top tips for spotting false news – by placing them as ads in newspapers. Considering they came in for considerable criticism themselves, that’s like shouting “Squirrel!” and pointing at a tree whilst you hastily kick away the prize begonias you just trampled. To help you make sense of this (and because I’m a caring person), I thought I’d run you through their suggestions and help to explain them for you. I know. I’m lovely. 1. Be sceptical of headlines READING THIS ARTICLE WILL IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE!!! And explain that catchy headlines, or stuff all in capitals might be a bit iffy. 2. Look closely at the URL You can find out more about this at www.wowyouregullible.com if you want to understand how phony web addresses are a sure sign of dodgyness. 3. Investigate...

Going Underground

The US presidential election and Brexit must have made me more nervous than I’d realised. It seems I’ve created an underground bunker without realising I was doing it. Still – we’ve all done that at some point, right? No? Ah... In that case, the fact that I have inadvertently turned my cellar into a rudimentary survival shelter, just in case it all kicks off, demonstrates a severe case of bunker mentality. Fretting about Donald and his wall, and Hillary and her emails, clearly made me more paranoid that I thought about the possibility of WW3 kicking off. Whilst attempting to find a specific size of imperial washer the other day (turns out I’d mis-filed it in the nut cabinet – Tsk!) I was struck by what a lot of jam and chutney we have in the cellar. And I do mean a LOT. There are boxes of boiled-up sugar and fruit and more boxes of boiled up vinegar and fruit. We’re still only part way through 2015’s output too. Then there’s the plastic containers holding pasta in various for...

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