grumpyf1

Now that the ‘sunny bit’ of the year is over, I got to thinking about what truly defines summer. What needs to happen for me to declare it official? As a county, Cumbria is still in shock at the unprecedented recent run of high temperatures, with several days in a row during the middle of the heatwave peaking at a sweltering a-bit-over-20C. Phew. Scorchio! We’ve also suffered from a drought of epic proportions, with the number of days without rainfall hitting a spectacular two digits. It got so bad that I had to remember how to operate a ‘watering can’ which, apart from the trauma involved, was also confusing as it was made out of plastic. The fact that the water flow seemed to be deliberately restricted by snails in the spout was also deeply perplexing. And I got a wet foot when the spout fell off. The longest day of the year has passed, which I enjoyed in its fullest glory by watching the sun set on the Arnside shoreline. OK, it was via my laptop and the webcam opposite t...

It’s fair to say that ‘the footy’ has decimated the TV schedules. Imagine if you could travel in time though, and watch TV from any era you wanted! As a TV-related year-hopper, being able to swirl back through the mists of time should be amazing. Clearly, going forwards isn’t an option – not because of any complicated space/time coefficient stuff, but based on the inescapable fact that TV is generally pretty terrible now, so the future only holds Celebrity Reality Kitten’s Big Brother’s Essex Jungle. Probably fronted by Bruce Forsyth. This will be immediately followed by 24 hours of every person that watched it sat on their sofa saying why they thought it was fab-u-lous, then a programme discussing why the people on their sofas are idiots. So, the past it is. Imagine your disappointment if you’d set the controls for TV heaven, but a problem with the time capacitor interface circuit (yes, I am making this up as I go along) meant you landed in 1996. Having run out of progra...

We all own stuff. Some of it is quite expensive. Latest iPhone? Nice car? What about an overgrown hill..? For most of us, the most expensive thing we’re ever likely to have to contend with is a house. I like to proudly proclaim to be a house owner, but that isn’t strictly true due to the, not insignificant, financial irritation of having a mortgage. Whilst some folks are lucky enough to own houses that can boast needing 7 digits to describe their worth, most of us won’t ever feel the need to purchase something as big as a mountain. But purchase one you can, as Blencathra is up for sale. Slight problem, though – you’ll need 1.75 million pounds to buy it. The Earl of Lonsdale (whose family have owned this rather large bit of Cumbria for 400 years) has a spectacularly whopping Inheritance Tax bill to settle, so is flogging it. All 2,676 large, slopey, acres. The recently formed ‘Friends of Blencathra’ are attempting to raise funds to purchase it, in the hope of keeping it a...

Apparently, there’s some big, global, football tournament thing starting next week. They should really have tried publicising it so people had a chance to find out in advance. Starting next Thursday, for a whole month, the footballerists will be in control. This is, of course, the best thing in the world ever. If you like footsieballs. If you don’t, then there is no state of ambivalence you can adopt. Oh no. If you don’t love football then, in the eyes of those who do, you’re some kind of entirely weird, footy-hating, idiot with no sense of humour, no appreciation of the skill involved, and probably not properly English enough. Or, to use the over-syllabified word usually employed by fans of the ‘beautiful’ game: “Eng-er-land!” Yup, you’re just not Engerlandish enough. The normal balance of society will once again enter its four-yearly cycle of group mentality, where large-bellied armchair athletes explain loudly how they would have done it to some massively over-paid star...

If you don't watch bonkers Sci-Fi who-will-appear-from-nowhere-this-week TV show Helix and Formula 1, this won't make much sense. Jusding by the fact that when I tweeted it, it got 1 favourite (from my wife), I can only assume the crossover audience is tiny, or I'm just a bit crappy at twitter. I'm going with the former, as my self-esteem is already quite low.