The Regeneration Game (Director's Cut)

"Hello, I..." [SOUNDS OF RANTING]

Doctor Who, the 13th Doctor – Episode 1. “Invasion of the Manbabies”. Starring Jodie Whittaker. 

CONFIDENTIAL – NOT TO BE RELEASED. 

Scene 1 - Interior, TARDIS. 

Doctor: Wow, this regeneration business is rough, but I feel like a new man!

Assistant: Woman. Doctor: Eh? (Looks down) Crikey, I wasn’t expecting THIS!

Assistant: Really? Everybody else was.

Doctor: Didn’t you get killed off at the end of the last series, by the way? Cybermen or something similar?

Assistant: No, that was the gay one. I’m the androgynous, gender-fluid one.

Doctor: Strange, I don’t remember you. You know you’re... green, right? And have antennae? 

Assistant: Of course, and they’re not antennae. (The Assistant winks with one of their three eyes.)

Doctor: Crikey! (pause) I think I might use that as a catchphrase.

Assistant: It’s not as good as “Geronimo” or “Alonsee”.

Doctor: Do you have a name, then?

Assistant: Yes, it’s Dactar. Dactar Woo.

Doctor: Great – I can’t see any problem with that at all.

(The TARDIS alarm starts chiming ominously, and everything looks a bit shaky whilst the Doctor and Dactar cling on to the console.)

Doctor: Well, this is rather exciting! I think we’re crashing! CRIKEY!

Assistant: See? “Geronimo” would have been better...

Scene 2 – On a beach, exterior shot of TARDIS as door opens and the Doctor and Dactar stumble out.

Dactar: Wh... where are we?

Doctor: (looking at the wrong end of the sonic screwdriver) We seem to be in a place called Broadchurch. I wonder if we’ll know anyone here?

Dactar: Pretty sure that’s a definite, to be honest.

(Sounds of an angry mob approaching.)

Doctor: This doesn’t look good. I haven’t even had time to change – these Y-fronts are bloody uncomfortable. Who are these people anyway?

Dactar: Oh, no – Doctor, it’s the Manbabies!

(A portly white male approaches – 50ish, balding, wearing a Star Wars T-shirt that’s one size too small, with curry stains on.)

Manbaby 1: Oi, you! We’re not pleased. Not pleased at all! You can’t be a woman!

Doctor: Easy, tiger! I sneaked a peek whilst we were crashing. It was a bit of a shock, but... let’s just say the jelly babies aren’t there anymore.

(A second male, out of breath and with a ponytail and thick glasses, waves his fist at the Doctor.)

Manbaby 2: I’ve followed you all my life! Despite the fact that I clearly have no entitlement and taking into account that I’m flying in the face of strong female role models like Wonder Woman and that one in the Star Wars Film...

Manbaby 1: Rey.

Manbaby 2: Thanks, Dave – I’ve got this... and Captain Janeaway, the fact that science fiction is turning the tide of gender stereotyping, along with the wider film and TV industry, I can only say that I feel it beholden upon me to express my deep annoyance at this switch in gender which was never even alluded to in the original...

Doctor: Is this going to take much longer? I think I can feel another regeneration coming on...

Manbaby 2: ...Gallifreyan mythology, nor has it, in fact, appeared in any of the audio versions, or the books, which just...

Manbaby 1: Uh... wasn’t the Doctor half-female in “The Sexily confused Timelord”?

Manbaby 2: By Spock’s Beard, Dave! That was FanFic! Give it a rest! We talked about this. SHE CAN’T BE THE DOCTOR!

Dactar: So let me get this straight, guys; Despite the fact that the Doctor is an alien, who is apparently immortal, and can travel through space and time in a police box that is bigger on the inside, and can recreate themselves to be someone else altogether, they can’t be a woman?

Manbaby 1 & 2 together: Exactly!

Doctor: But, Dactar here is a green alien with - how can I put this - their sexy bits on their head but no other indications of gender and that’s not a problem?

Manbaby 1: No, of course not.

(The Doctor surveys the crown of disgruntled, middle-aged men, some of whom are clutching packed lunches made by their mums.)

Doctor: Are you all insane? It’s the... hang on...

(The Doctor checks her wrist looking for a watch, then remembers the sonic screwdriver and looks in the wrong end again, momentarily blinding herself.)

Doctor: ...it’s tea-time in the early part of the 21st century, and you’re saying a Timelord has to be a bloke? You do realise that’s ridiculous, right? Are you scared of talking to women or something?

(The manbabies look at each other, the sand, the sea – anywhere but at the Doctor).

Doctor: Oh... I get it now. Crikey!

Dactar: Stop saying that. I’m The Master, by the way. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Doctor: Now that’s just ridiculous...

End credits. Definitely no pink.