grumpyf1

So, here it is then! The shiny new Ferrari, in all it's red-painted, not-sponsored-by-a-fag-company-really, Italian glory . Launched yesterday, Stefano Niceguyicali, Monobrow and that other driver bloke, along with that smooth 70's geezer (Luca di Grumpizemelo) said all the usual stuff about how they musn't make the same mistakes as before, how the car had surpassed their projections already, they're looking forward to the new season, determined to win, blah blah blah. Wouldn't it be nice if di Grumpizemelo has just stood there for a few seconds, staring at the drivers, then simply said "Win. Or I will have you killed." Much more effective. Or Massa said "yeah, I was a bit crap last year you know? But I'm not taking any team-orders nonsense this year. You can sod right off". And Alonso added "If there's any more tactical cock-ups like that one that got me stuck behind Petrov, I'm off. Red Bull want me you know? Sort yours

As none of these stories seemed to warrant a full article (and frankly I'm just plain lazy), here's a news round-up from the last few days, Jenwis-style.... BIT OF WILLY The Williams team are considering selling shares, but not to raise funds. Eh? Seriously though - who wouldn't want to own a share in one of the most highly respected F1 teams ever? How much, Frank...? SICKLY SCHUMI It's fair to say that his questionable ethics have sometime made viewers pretty sick, not to mention Rubens. But apparently, the Schu-meister gets all giddy and poorly when driving an F1 simulator. Slight drawback that. although apparently it's not a problem at all. Of course not. Take some travel sickness pills (those funny tasting pink ones) and get on with it, Michael. NEW FERRARI They didn't manage to come first in anything last year, but by way of consolation, Ferrari will be the first team to launch their new car this season... TOMORROW! Stand by for me to be over-ex

I recently posted on twitter that beards seem to be really rather cool at the moment. I modestly pointed out that, for the second time in my life, I was ahead of this current wave of fashion (The first, in case you were interested, was Donkey Jackets in the late 80s. Damn, I'm smooth.) Mind you, if it makes me look even faintly like the bum-fluff-featured monobrowed headcase featured above (apparently trying to have a conversation with a snowball), then I'm going to shave it off immediately. Oh hang on - no, it clearly doesn't, as I can actually GROW A PROPER BEARD. Anyway, hirsute arguments notwithstanding, Ferrari and Ducati joined forces again recently for their annual poncing-about-in-the-snow junket in the Italian Dolomites, during which they frolic in the snow whilst the unwashed legions of the press try to get a funny picture. Er... that's about it really. That's all it seems to be for. So, without further ado, here's Fergrumpo making a tit of himse

Put it down sonny - you're not old enough It would seem that wee Scottish laddie Paul di Resta has bagged the second seat at Force India for this season. This is bad news for Tonio Liuzzi, but the Italian dude really hasn't shone since coming back into F1. His performances have varied from good to bizarre, and in F1 that doesn't keep you in a seat. This has all got be confirmed of course - Liuzzi has a contract for 2011, but as we know, these things can easily be worked around. I'm guessing the wording of said contract doesn't necessarily say anything specific about driving in races.... Force India had a laudable Friday schedule last year, allowing di Resta to drive in place of one of the regular drivers, and it seems he impressed enough to gain him the seat full time this year. This makes di Resta the 3rd Brit on the grid. The other two are World Champions in a top team. He's got his work cut out then.... (80's a go-go this evening. Depeche Mode&

The monobrowed one has come out and said he thinks his biggest rival next year will be the stretching-the-boundaries-of-reasonable-behaviour German one. (Alonso, Schumacher, in case that wasn't completely bleedin' obvious.) Well, they're possibly the two drivers in F1 at the moment who cause the largest amount of raised eyebrows and debate when their names are mentioned, particularly when it comes to "playing fair". Alonso did qualify his statement by adding that Schuey would be his biggest threat if he had a decent car. Is that the case though? Nando's statement seems to imply a supreme confidence that he'll be at the front next year - not an altogether unreasonable assumption, but a bit arrogant maybe. He was nearly right about being able to win last year's title when seemingly completely out of it mid-season, though. But, assuming Ferrari, McLaren, Red Bull and Mercedes all have fairly equal cars (Ooh, I've started drooling), won't Ve

So, Formula 1 is finally going to be shown in High Definition. This is clearly very good news. Considering how many other sports have already adopted the technology though, it does seem a bit like running out into the street and shouting "look at my cassette player! It's portable!". It seems Bernie has always been a little behind the times technology-wise, and slow to exploit opportunities. Still, we mustn't grumble. With the BBC producing their part of the programme in shiny mega-pixel gorgeousness too, every subtle contour, gleaming surface and angular beauty of David Coulthard's cheekbones should be reproduced in jaw-dropping clarity. The cars will look nice too. Please remember though to have the contrast button highlighted on your controller for when EJ's shirt's come on. The garish colouration in that much detail could have a similar effect to staring at the sun. One small problem for me though. My TV is so old it: a) Isn't actually the s

It's tough out there in the dog-eat-dog, Ferrari-tries-to-eat-everyone world of Formula 1. Seems its also tough in the covering-the-world-of-F1 world, as Jonathan Legard has been dropped by the BBC as lead commentator. Martin Brundle will take over as lead, with David Coulthard joining him in the commentary box. Significantly, DC will still do pit-lane shenanigans with the insanely-dressed, hard-pressed to get to the point Irish nutter Jordan, and Jake the rake Humphrey. He'll then have to leg it up to the box before the race, leaving us with the worrying prospect of allowing EJ even more time to get hopelessly lost in the complicated language strangulation that is the point he's trying to make. Legard was brought in by Aunty Beeb when they took back F1 coverage from ITV. Initially, I thought he was OK, but as time has gone on, his constant use of a bunch of stock phrases (pushing on, anyone?), and lack of attention to what was going on, as well as regular errors, start

Its a tough one to make interesting... so I will instead apply equal measures of sarcasm, vitriol and, possibly, pointless meandering. Fresh on the heels of yesterday's blog post about HRT (snik!) leaving FOTA, it seems that the teams are now upset about someone (*coughREDBULL*) flaunting the noble agreement that is the Resource Restriction Agreement (RRA). This worthy concept was introduced voluntarily by the teams themselves a few years ago, and therefore is policed only by their good selves also, which sounds very much like putting me in charge of security at the main Cadbury Creme Egg depot. Wherever that is now. I know nothing. I wouldn't tell you anyway if I did. Anyway, this agreement limits the amount of time and cash each team can spend on developing various bits of the car, wind-tunnel testing and just about anything to do with making the car whatsoever, the idea being to stop the big teams spending money equivalent to Ireland's overdraft on making a wheel n

Hispania have left FOTA (The Formula One Teams Association). They've apparently cited the fact that it's really for the big teams, and them being tiddlers and all that, it doesn't really work for them, thanks very much. The counter-argument seems to be that HRT actually failed to cough-up the requisite dosh to continue their membership. Either way, this is all very Formula 1, isn't it? Not long after any agreement between the teams that they will/won't do something, someone does/doesn't do precisely that, and it gradually starts to fall apart, with factions forming, and everyone bitching at each other in the media. There will be outrageous claims, vitriolic statements, pompous claims of self-worth and how F1 can't survive without them etc etc. And that's just Ferrari. You love it, don't you? Naughty boys and girls.... (Banging toons supplied this evening by a Best Of The Eighties collection, currently Blondie's Call Me. Ooo. Debbie Harry

Sometimes, he looks scarily like his brilliant uncle Ayrton. Unfortunately for Bruno Senna's career prospects, he doesn't see capable of driving nearly as well as him. That's probably why the likable Brazillian appears to be out of F1 after just one year with the rather hopeless HRT. Now it's clear that they need someone who brings cash to the team, hence the swapping of seats during the year between Chanhok, Yamamoto and Klien. But Bruno only missed one race (I think?) so had a good chance to show himself. Unfortunately for him, he managed to get royally shown up by Klien, who hadn't raced in F1 for a couple of years, and that's pretty embarrassing. Maybe he'll get another chance. Maybe the Senna name just left F1 for good. We'll see. (Still on that No. 1's CD - Manic Street Preachers at the mo....)

Apologies for the absence of blog posts. Earlier in the week I got an HTC Wildfire, and have become slightly obsessed. OK, very obsessed. And I still haven't figured out half of what it does, largely because I'm not 14 and don't have an instinctive understanding of technology bred into me by the fact that my parents copped too much radiation from their mobile phones in the 90s. I can now tweet on the move and... I guess I can blog on the move too. Oooo. I hadn't thought of that! *goes a bit glassy-eyed for a few seconds* Anyway, there's a fair bit of interesting F1 stuff going on, so I'll try and catch up this coming week. Assuming I don't get seduced by the phone again.... Oh - Cadbury creme eggs are back! Yay!! (Listening to "The Greatest No. 1 Singles", currently on Robbie Williams' Millennium...)

Funny old game, Formula 1. At the start of last season, you would have happily concluded that Karun Chandhok would be the likely candidate for sole Indian driver in 2011. He now seems unlikely to get a seat this year, and instead Narain Kathikeyan has landed a drive at Hispania. Karthikeyan last drove in F1 five years ago. If you want an idea of how long that is in real terms, he was driving for Jordan at the time. Yes, it's that long ago. He didn't exactly shine then, and whilst the ever-optimistic (because he has no choice) Mr Kolles reckons he'll be even better now, that seems pretty unlikely. I'm guessing that instead of his talent growing, his sponsorship pot has, with India providing the venue for a new race this season. That makes him attractive to a team struggling to even find a shoestring, let alone run on one. However, it gives me the excellent opportunity to get into Marketing Mode and think of a snappy headline should Narain make it to testing in a few

Right - put the 31st of January in your diary, F1-heads, and stand by for excitement overdose. In contrast to the days of yore, and in line with the frugal time in which we live, quite a few of the teams will launch their new cars in Valencia that day, before the test session there kicks off the next day. I can see the logic. But I do miss the heady days when a new McLaren would be dangled precariously over Spice Girls wearing precariously dangly costumes (Which reminds me, I need to get a new hacksaw). Or on the deck of a yacht. Or something equally stupid, pretentious and expensive. With champagne and celebs in attendance, whilst Team Principal and drivers stood next to the new car looking equal amounts of bemused, amused and frightened, and grateful journo's took pictures of scantily-clad dancing girls and asked insightful questions like "can you win in this car?" before it had even been driven. Where was I...? I guess the worst bit will be them all launching on th

Chris Dyer, the man who made the call that left Monobrow stuck behind Petrov in Abu Dhabi, and thus caused the grumpy Spanish one to miss out of the title, has been (how best to put this?) 'repositioned' at Ferrari. In other words, it was decided that heads must roll, and his was the most obvious one. Bit harsh really - the first half of the year saw the Prancing Horse fly out of the gate only to subsequently stop for a munch of grass and a quick snooze. Some poor decisions, mistakes and Nando trying a bit too hard meant they were well and truly behind by mid-season, when they finally looked up and realised all the other teams had buggered off and left them there. They certainly turned it around brilliantly in the second half of the season, but those multitudinous early balls-ups were to blame, not one poor decision by Dyer. Still, it's a cruel world eh? So Pat Fry gets to have a go instead. Out with the Dyer-panning, and into the Fry. Er.... (Choons tonight courtesy

The last-race defeat of Mark Webber by Sebastien Vettel has clearly caused the likable Australian more problems that we realised. Reports are coming in that he has let himself go and stopped shaving or washing his hair, and now lives with 189 cats, whilst roaming the grounds of his house muttering to himself about front wings, favouritism, and how it's all bad for a Number 2 driver. Apparently, he also believes that the daily application of a particularly fluffy cat to his injured shoulder will mystically aid the healing of the fracture he received whilst being a complete tit on a mountain bike. Again. It's not clear whether his request to have the swimming pool on the roof of Red Bull's Energy Station replaced by a gigantic cat litter tray will be met my the team, but apparent they aren't feline good about the idea... (New Year's listening: A compilation CD called "Sampled" from 2000, with the original songs that had bits nicked by various musical